


We're All Doomed

by SeptimusMagistos



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Doomed Session, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-05
Updated: 2011-02-23
Packaged: 2017-10-15 10:36:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 29,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/159974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeptimusMagistos/pseuds/SeptimusMagistos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vriska does not stop John from prototyping with the doll. As a result, the kids and the trolls both have to deal with being stuck in a doomed timeline.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Things Get Worse By Getting Better

It all went wrong when Vriska decided not to put John to sleep.

It’s hard to say why she did so. Perhaps she felt a moment of doubt. Perhaps she thought that destiny might yet be changed. Perhaps she simply grew distracted. Most likely she simply made that decision because somewhere else she made a different one.

In any case, the doll dropped into the kernel.

Jack was the first to feel the brunt of Vriska’s decision, learning the hard way that the middle of a swordfight is not a good a good time or place to have your total number of arms and eyes reduced to zero. Even his amazing blue hair only kept his opponents at bay for seconds.

Jack Noir was dead.

And somewhere far away, The Knight Of Blood had something to say about it.

 **

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--  
CG: WHAT DID YOU DO?!  
EB: what?  
CG: WHAT DID YOU FUCKING DO?!  
EB: i don’t know. what did i do?  
CG: JACK NOIR IS GONE, YOU UNBELIEAVABLE DUMBASS!  
EB: oh cool.  
CG: NO. NOT COOL. NOT FUCKING COOL AT ALL. JACK NOIR WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PROTOTYPED WITH JADE’S FREAK OF A LUSUS AND THEN GET SENT TO OUR WORLD AND KILL ALL OUR DREAM SELVES AND FLY AROUND A LOT WHILE WE HUDDLED IN THIS NOOKSUCKING METEOR.  
EB: but now he’s gone.  
CG: YES HE’S GONE. ONE SECOND HE’S FLYING AROUND AND THE NEXT SECOND HE’S NOT HERE AT ALL. BUT GUESS WHAT, FUCKASS?!  
EB: what?  
CG: WE’RE STILL IN THIS METEOR AND NOT RULING YOUR UNIVERSE LIKE WE FUCKING SHOULD BE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU DID?!  
EB: no, tell me.  
CG: YOU MADE THIS INTO A DOOMED TIMELINE, ASSHOLE.  
CG: AND SOMEHOW YOU TOOK US WITH YOU.  
CG: THAT MEANS WE WILL ALL DIE.  
CG: ALL OF US.  
CG: STUPID COOLKIDS  
CG: PATHETIC NERDS  
CG: AMAZING WARRIORS  
CG: MURDEROUS BITCHES  
CG: AND EVEN FUCKING STUPID CLOWNS.  
CG: WE’RE ALL ABOARD THE GRIM REAPER EXPRESS, HEADING TO DEAD TOWN WITH NO STOPS AND YOU’RE THE FUCKING CONDUCTOR, PULLING THE FUCKING WHISTLE.  
CG: CHOO CHOO!  
EB: heh heh.  
CG: OH GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.

**

 **\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] \--**

 

 **CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [PCG] RIGHT NOW opened public transtimeline bulletin board WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

 ****

 **CCG RIGHT NOW opened memo on board WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.**

 **CCG: EVERYONE GET YOUR ASSES IN HERE RIGHT FUCKING NOW!  
CCG: AND I MEAN EVERYONE.  
CCG: PATHETIC EARTH HUMANS INCLUDED.  
CCG: AND GET IN HERE FROM THE PRESENT MOMENT.  
CCG: MAYBE WE CAN GET THROUGH JUST ONE NORMAL CONVERSATION WITHOUT DEGENERATING INTO A FUCKING CARNIVAL.  
CCG: I GUESS IT MAKES AS GOOD A LAST WISH AS ANY.  
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGC: WH4T 1S TH1S 4LL 4BOUT, K4RK4T?  
CCG: THIS IS ABOUT THE FACT THAT WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE HORRIBLY IS WHAT IT’S ABOUT.  
CCG: LONG STORY SHORT, JOHN FUCKED UP AND PROTOTYPED WITH THE WRONG THING AND NOW WE’RE ALL DOOMED PARADOX CLONES.  
CCG: I GUESS MAYBE THAT MAKES ANOTHER ARADIA TO ADD TO THE PILE OF DEAD ONES.  
CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CAA: that was unkind  
CCG: SHUT THE HELL UP.  
CURRENT centaursTesticle [CCT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCT: D --> You will not speak to Aradia in that manner  
CCG: YOU SHUT UP TOO, ASSHOLE.  
CCG: ALL OF YOU STOP YOUR BLATHERING FOR ONE GODDAMN MINUTE AND FOCUS ON OUR IMPENDING DEMISE.  
CCG: IS THAT SO HARD?  
CURRENT terminallyCapricious [CTC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
PTC: I’m NoT MoThErFuCkInG FoLlOwInG AnY Of ThIs.  
PTC: WeReN’t We AlReAdY MoThErFuCkInG DoOmEd?  
CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CAG: Yeah!  
CAG: Weren’t you always telling us how we were all doomed 8ecause John prototyped his kernel with the First Guardian?  
CAG: And now you’re telling us we’re doomed 8ecause he didn’t?  
CCG: IT’S NOT THE SAME FUCKING THING AND YOU KNOW IT, SERKET!  
CCG: BEFORE WE WERE ONLY DOOMED BECAUSE THERE WAS AN UBEATABLE BOSS FLYING AROUND OUT THERE TRYING TO KILL US ALL.  
CCG: BUT NOW WE’RE DOOMED ON AN EXISTENTIAL LEVEL.  
CCG: WHICH IS LIKE TEN FUCKING TIMES MORE DOOMED.  
CURRENT adiosToreador [CAT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CAT: uHHHH, mAYBE THIS ISN’T SO BAD,  
CAA: n0 he is right  
CAA: in the main timeline jack n0ir was pr0t0typed with the guardian  
CAA: we are in a d00med 0ffsh00t  
CAT: oH,  
CCG: YEAH, oH. OH IS RIGHT. FINALLY SOMEONE FUCKING GETS IT.  
CURRENT twinArmageddons [CTA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTA: KK, ii thiink you need two relax.  
CTA: even iif we are all doomed, you can’t expect us 2 2pend all our remaiiniing tiime freakiing out about how doomed we are.  
CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGA: Indeed Existential Threats Notwithstanding  
CGA: In Purely Physical Terms We Are Now Safer Than We Have Been In A Long Time  
CGA: I Believe This Calls For A Judicious Plan  
CURRENT TentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTT: I was already creating a plan to subvert one destiny.  
CTT: I suppose another will do just as well.  
CCG: OH HEY LOOK WHO SHOWED UP.  
CCG: IT’S THE SNARKY BROAD OF THE HUMAN PERSUASION.  
CCG: AND NO, FOR THE RECORD, THAT IS NOT HOW WE’RE DOING THIS.  
CCG: NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR MAKING PLANS.  
CCG: NOW IS THE TIME FOR ASSIGNING BLAME.  
CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGG: leave john alone!  
CGG: he didn’t do anything wrong!!  
CCG: OH AND NOW THE HUMANS ARE POPPING OUT OF THE WOODWORK.  
CCG: THAT’S JUST GREAT.  
CCG: YOU ALL CHOOSE NOW TO BE AVAILABLE AND NOT DISTRACTED BY SOMETHING OVERWHELMINGLY STUPID.  
CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CEB: i still don’t understand what i did or didn’t do  
CCG: SHUT THE FUCK UP EGGBERT.  
CAT: uHHHH, dIDN’T YOU JUST SAY IT WAS TIME FOR ASSIGNING BLAME,  
CCG: YEAH, SO WHAT?  
CAT: bUT HOW CAN WE ASSIGN BLAME TO HIM IF YOU DON’T TELL HIM WHAT HE DID WRONG,  
CCG: THAT IS THE STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD.  
CGC: NO, H3’S R1GHT. CR1M1N4LS H4V3 TO B3 1NFORM3D OF 4LL CH4RG3S L3V13D 4G41NST TH3M  
CGC: SO TH4T TH3Y C4N F33L TH3 FULL FORC3 OF R1GHT3OUS JUST1C3.  
CURRENT caligulasAquarium [CCA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCA: more importantly that is not wwhat wwe are doin right noww  
CCA: kan had the right idea  
CCA: i don’t care howw doomed wwe are  
CCA: for the first time in wwho knowws howw long  
CCA: i feel hope  
CURRENT cuttlefishCuller [CCC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCC: T)(at’s t)(e spirit ---ERIDAN! 38D  
CCT: D --> I agree  
CCT: D --> To bend in the face of difficulty would be ine%cusable  
CCT: D --> We are STRONGER than that  
CCG: OKAY, NO. YOU SHUT UP ABOUT STRONGNESS, YOU FREAK.  
CCC: -Equius, you are )(ereby ordered to keep talking about STRONGN---ESS!  
CCT: D --> Yes, my Empress  
CCT: D --> But first I must go find a towel  
CCG: NO, SHE’S NOT YOUR LEADER.  
CCG: SHE’S NOT THE BOSS OF YOU.  
CCG: I AM THE BOSS OF YOU.  
CCG: ACTUALLY, NEVER MIND. FORGET I SAID ANYTHING. JUST GO FIND YOUR TOWEL.  
CCG: I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON IT.  
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTG: oh god this is so sad  
CGA: I Am Quickly Becoming Skeptical Of This Conversations Continued Utility  
CGA: As Such I Would Suggest We Abandon This Track Of Thought And Return Our Attention To The Making Of Plans  
CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CAC: :33 <*ac agr33s!*  
CAC: :33 <*ac says that we can’t just give up*   
CAT: i ALSO AGREE, aCTUALLY,  
CAC: :33 <*ac would also like to take a moment to compliment tavros’s handle*  
CAT: tHANKS,  
CCG: OKAY, NO.  
CCG: NONE OF YOU GET IT.  
CCG: THERE CAN’T BE ANY PLANS.  
CCG: WE ARE DOOMED.  
CCG: DO ANY OF YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT WORD MEANS?  
CCG: BECAUSE IT DOESN’T MEAN ‘IN A PERFECTLY SALVAGEABLE SITUATION’.  
CCG: DOOMED MEANS DOOMED.  
CTG: eh i don’t buy it  
CTG: we can still get out of this  
CTG: after all we’ve got two kickass time masters over here  
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTG: make that three  
CCG: YOU STAY OUT OF THIS, FEATHERY ASSHOLE.  
CCG: THIS DOES NOT CONCERN YOU.  
CCG: YOU WERE ALREADY DOOMED.  
CCG: SO I GUESS YOU ARE NOW DOUBLY DOOMED.  
CCG: THAT IS SUCH A PREPOSTEROUS DEGREE OF DOOMED I’M SURPRISED YOU AREN’T BEING SQUISHED BY A FALLING SAFE AT THIS EXACT MOMENT.  
CCG: OKAY, SINCE NONE OF YOU STILL GET IT, I AM MAKING A VOW RIGHT NOW THAT WHEN I INEVITABLY DIE, I WILL USE THE LAST OF MY STRENGTH TO CRAWL OVER TO A COMPUTER, LOG INTO THIS MEMO, AND TELL YOU ALL EXACTLY HOW LONG WE HAVE LEFT TO LIVE.  
CCG: AND ALSO HOW STUPID YOU ALL ARE, I GUESS.  
FUTURE apocalypseArisen [FAA] AT ?:?? responded to memo.  
FAA: that is f0rbidden  
FAA banned FCG from responding to memo.  
CCG: AND NOW THAT IS ALSO HAPPENING I GUESS.  
CCG: THAT’S JUST FUCKING GREAT.  
CTT: So it is agreed then: we abandon fatalism in favor of planning.  
CCG: NO THAT IS NOT AGREED NO-ONE HAS AGREED TO THAT.  
CCT: D --> Am I too late to continue talking about STRONGNESS?  
CCG: I HATE ALL OF YOU.**

 **  
CCG closed memo.  
**


	2. Getting Organized

****

**FUTURE grimAuxiliatrix [FGA] 1:26 HOURS FROM NOW opened public transtimeline bulletin board Doomed Is Just A Word**

 **~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 **FGA 1:26 HOURS FROM NOW opened memo on board Doomed Is Just A Word.**

 **FGA: Hello And Welcome To The New Transtimeline Board  
FGA: Created In The Spirit Of Optimism And Greater Cooperation Between Species  
FGA: For The Purpose Of Protecting Ourselves From The Common Threat Of No Longer Being Hunted Down By An Omnipotent Demon  
FGA: I Hereby Call The First Meeting Of The Survival Committee To Order  
FGA: First Order Of Business Is A Short Presentation By Equius Zahhak With His Soon To Be Regular Feature  
FGA: Safety Tips For Pedantic Wigglers  
FUTURE centaursTesticle [FCT] 1:26 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FCT: D --> Thank you  
FCT: D --> I shall be brief  
FCT: D --> I’m sure everyone is aware of how sadistic this game can get  
FCT: D --> We have survived so much  
FCT: D --> It w001d be embarrassing to be killed by a minor accident or misjudgment  
FCT: D --> Therefore everyone is advised to follow certain elementary safety procedures:  
FCT: D --> Firstly, stay away from heights or unstable construction  
FCT: D --> Or really any situation where you can fall or have other objects fall on you  
FCT: D --> You sh001d also stay away from stairs  
FCT: D --> If stairs are unavoidable, use caution, walk slowly and hold on to railings  
FCT: D --> You are being warned about stairs  
FCT: D --> This means you, Tavros  
CURRENT adiosToreador [CAT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CAT: uHHHH, cONSIDER ME FULLY BRIEFED,  
CAT: oN THE MATTER OF STAIRS,  
FCT: D --> Secondly, stay away from monsters  
FCT: D --> I know you think you can handle them  
FCT: D --> But there is no need to give this game an easy way to cheat  
FCT: D --> Lastly, everyone has received codes for robotic prosthetics  
FCT: D --> Make sure you have some alchemized and carry a f001l set with you at all times  
FCT: D --> With these elementary precautions, you sh001d be able to avoid death due to stupid accidents  
FGA: Thank You Equius  
FGA: In Other Business The Time Research Subcommittee Will Have Begun Work Shortly  
FGA: If One Of The Members Can Alert Us To The Progress  
FUTURE apocalypseArisen [FAA] AT ?:?? responded to memo.  
FAA: pr0gress is satisfact0ry  
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] AT ?:?? responded to memo.  
FTG: progress is off the hook  
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] AT ?:?? responded to memo.  
FTG: you cant take a step without tripping in some wicked sweet progress  
FGA: While Frustratingly Vague That Report Is At Least A Little Heartening  
FGA: The Formation Of Other Subcommittees Will Begin Shortly  
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 8:24 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FCG: NO TIME FOR YOUR SUBCOMMITTEES.  
FCG: I KNOW THE EXACT MANNER OF OUR DOOM.  
FCG: GAMZEE’S GONE CRAZY.  
FCG: HE’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!  
FCG: AND THEN PRESUMABLY DIE FROM INHALING SOME CHEMICALS OR SOMETHING BECAUSE COME ON HE MIGHT BE THE BARD OF RAGE BUT HE’S STILL GAMZEE FOR FUCK’S SAKE.  
FUTURE terminallyCapricious [FTC] 9 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FTC: honk.  
FTC: HONK.  
FCG: FIGURES.  
FTC: now why would you say something like that, best friend?  
FTC: CLEARLY I AM MOTHERFUCKING FINE, BROTHER.  
FTC: honk.  
FTC: HONK.  
FGA: Gamzee You Are Clearly Lying  
FGA: Why Would You Even Think That Was Going To Work  
FCG: HE’S OFF THE SOPOR SLIME!  
FGA: Then Clearly The Replenishment Of Sopor Slime Strategic Supply Has Become A Priority  
FGA: And Also I Suppose A Method Of Delivering It To An Unwilling Subject  
FGA: Perhaps Some Sort Of A Pie Launching Catapult  
FUTURE centaursTesticle 2 [FCT2] 8:45 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FCT2: D --> It seems more safety tips are now in order  
FCT2: D --> Anyone stuck in the meteor with a murderous superpowered clown is advised to stick together  
FCT2: D --> If you absolutely have to go off on your own, make sure you have one of the more powerful group members with you  
FCT2: D --> Having Eridan or Vriska along should make you reasonably safe  
FCT2: D --> And remember to keep taunting the !Insane Gamzee at every possible opportunity  
FCT2: D --> Like so:  
FCT2: D --> A twisted dark clown with a brain made of flan  
FCT2: D --> Ambition-wise unworthy to lick Eridan’s boots  
FCT2: D --> And even with soporifi% rusting his think-pan  
FCT2: D --> His intelligence, it appears, could only improve  
FCT2: D --> The hole in his brain must have let in some air  
FCT2: D --> Presumably making it worth all the rust  
FCT2: D --> Now that it’s closed (or so the f001 thinks)  
FCT2: D --> There is little in there except dead flies and dust  
FCT2: D --> Worth less than a glass of spilled milk  
FCT2: D --> In musclebeast pasture  
FCT2: D --> His methods a mockery of his b100d and his stature  
FCT2: D --> The poor crazy clown is running out of time  
FCT2: D --> I think we’d be worse off being stalked by common swine  
FTC: honk.  
FTC: MOTHERFUCKING HONK MOTHERFUCKER.  
FTC: your blood is the first to go.  
FTC: I’LL SPILL IT LIKE YOUR MOTHERFUCKING MILK.  
FCT2: D --> Your poetic humiliation has only just begun  
FCT2: D --> Obviously this is not a concern for the humans  
FCT2: D --> I believe you were busy dealing with a universe-destroying bomb  
CURRENT TentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTT: Zahhaaaaaaaaaaak!  
FCT2: D --> I am suddenly reminded I was not supposed to mention this yet  
FCT2: D --> I feel extremely f001ish  
FTC: honk.  
FCT2: D --> Go suck a lemon chuck  
FGA: This Appears To Be Degenerating To The Point Where Little Of Use Will Get Done  
FGA: I Hereby Declare This Session Closed**

 **FGA closed memo.**


	3. Fearful Symmetry

****

**PAST terminallyCapricious [PTC] 1:30:00 HOURS AGO opened public transtimeline bulletin board MoThErFuCkInG MiRaClEs**

 **~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~**

 **  
PTC 1:30:00 HOURS AGO opened memo on board MoThErFuCkInG MiRaClEs.  
**

 **  
PTC: HeLlO?  
FUTURE terminallyCapricious [FTC] 1:30:00 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FTC: hello.  
FTC: HELLO, MOTHERFUCKER.  
PTC: WhAt’s tHiS I HeAr aBoUt yOu sLaUgHtErInG My fRiEnDs?  
FTC: motherfucking truth my brother.  
FTC: ONLY MOTHERFUCKING TRUTH WITH ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING LIES KICKED TO THE MOTHERFUCKING CURB.  
FTC: the dark carnival has started, brother.  
FTC: ALL ARE WELCOME.  
PTC: WeLl, mOtHeRfUcK Me.  
PTC: ThIs hErE Is sOmE WeIrD ShIt.  
PTC: AlMoSt lIkE ThE OpPoSiTe oF A mIrAcLe.  
FTC: get with the program, past brother.  
FTC: YOUR THINK PAN IS MOTHERFUCKING RUSTED.  
FTC: but soon you will kick the ignorance all over the motherfucking place.  
FTC: AND HAVE SOME MOTHERFUCKING UNDERSTANDING.  
FTC: cause see with every minute you are less real.  
FTC: AND I AM MORE REAL.  
FTC: tick.  
FTC: TOCK.  
FTC: tick.  
FTC: TOCK.  
FTC: honk.  
FTC: HONK.  
PTC: HoNk. :o)  
FTC: no.  
FTC: NOT FOR YOU.  
FTC: no smiles.  
FTC: NO HONKING.  
FTC: soon no nothing.  
FTC: NEVER AGAIN.  
PTC: No.  
FTC: what the fuck?  
FTC: DID YOU JUST MOTHERFUCKING SAY NO TO ME?  
PTC: WeLl, sUrE.  
PTC: BeCaUsE WhAt yOu sAy iS SaId iN MoThErFuCkInG IgNoRaNcE.  
PTC: As fOr mE, I HaVe a LoT Of iGnOrAnCe tOo.  
PTC: bUt aLsO SoMe uNdEr-mOtHeRfUcKiNg-sTaNdInG.  
PTC: AnD I HaVe sOmE FaItH ToO, yOu KnOw?  
PTC: I BeLiEvE In tHe mIrThFuL MeSsIaHs,  
PTC: AnD I aLsO bElIeVe iN My fRiEnDs.  
PTC: BuT MoSt oF AlL  
PTC: I bElIeVe iN MoThErFuCkInG MiRaClEs.  
FTC: no, shut up.  
FTC: JUST SHUT UP.  
FTC: you don’t have any understanding.  
FTC: NO MOTHERFUCKING UNDERSTANDING AT ALL.  
FTC: but you will soon.  
FTC: SOON YOUR HEAD WILL BE ALL CLEAR.  
FTC: and you will see the truth.  
FTC: SEE THE MOTHERFUCKING TRUTH, YOU MOTHERFUCKING MOTHERFUCKER!  
FTC: and then the reaping can begin.  
FTC: AND YOUR FRIENDS WILL BE OUR ART SUPPLIES  
FTC: and my miracles will be unleashed.  
FTC: UNLEASHED ALL OVER THE MOTHERFUCKING PLACE.  
PTC: ArE YoU MoThErFuCkIn sUrE AbOuT ThAt?  
FTC: shut up.  
FTC: SHUT UP.  
FTC banned PTC from responding to memo.  
FTC: goodbye.  
FTC: AND GOOD MOTHERFUCKING RIDDANCE.  
FUTURE terminallyCapricious 2 [FTC2] 35 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FTC2: HoNk.  
FTC: mother.  
FTC: FUCK.**


	4. The Bureaucracy At Work

****

**CTT RIGHT NOW opened memo on board Doomed Is Just A Word.**

 **CTT: Hello and welcome to the first meeting of the Pink Wiggler Subcommittee.  
CTT: As the name (which was, incidentally, chosen within the main Committee by a majority vote) implies, this session is mostly to discuss problems specific to the human session.  
CTT: However, any of our Alternian allies who feel they have something relevant to add are welcome to do so at any time.  
CTT: Obviously the cat is out of the bag concerning the Tumor.  
CTT: I had believed the fact that it is a bomb with more than enough power to destroy our session in its entirety should have been kept confidential.  
CTT: Unfortunately that is no longer an option.  
CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CEB: don’t worry about it rose!  
CEB: sure it’s kind of scary to try to remove such a big bomb from anything but knowing what it is will just mean that i’ll be really careful.  
CEB: not that i wasn’t already going to be extra-careful. :)  
CTT: I take it then you do not share Karkat’s belief that whatever we do, the bomb will inevitably go off and destroy us all.  
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTG: okay take it from someone who knows:  
CTG: it doesn’t work like that  
CTG: just because the timeline is doomed doesn’t mean that everyone is going to die at any given moment  
CTG: we survived for months bumming around lands and pwning imps and shit  
CTG: and we could maybe have survived for years  
CTG: i don’t even know if being in a doomed timeline necessarily means everyone is going to die at all  
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 12 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FTG: i bring you greetings from the future  
CTG: what is the future like?  
FTG: pretty fucking sweet  
FTG: we all have jetpacks and flying cars  
FTG: and there are robots everywhere  
FTG: there is one guy with so many robots he’s like a dude on robot butler island  
FTG: and also i guess robot dedicated relationship island  
FTG: he says i have to mentions that.  
CTG: cool  
FTG: yeah  
FTG: anyway we’ve been sort of kicking that question around here in the subcommittee  
FTG: the troll girl has more of what you’d call empirical evidence than we do  
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTG: which troll girl  
CTG: come on dave you’re embarrassing us here  
FTG: yeah obviously it’s going to be the troll girl with the time powers and the sweet turntables  
CTG: get with the program  
CTG: okay cool  
CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGG: guys guys guys!!!! :D  
CGG: and rose too i guess :D  
CTT: Yes, Jade, what is it?  
CTT: And if at all possible, could you express your answer in a saccharine tone using a great many emoticons?>  
CGG: i think that might be doable :p  
CGG: the subcommittee of space and frogs has just finished its first meeting  
CGG: and we think we know how to open a way between the two sessions  
CGG: other than by traveling through the endless expanse of the void filled with infinite horrorterrors slumbering darkly throughout eternity i mean! :)  
CTT: What an odd way to phrase that.  
CGG: feferi was invited as a guest speaker  
CGG: she’s friendly, but I think she likes tentacles just a little bit too much.  
CTG: whoa there  
CTG: that is not the kind of thing you want to say in front of the guy raised by the president of the puppet dong enthusiasm club  
CTG: seriously jade  
CGG: heh heh sorry Dave!  
CGG: but anyway while we can’t get this working yet  
CGG: we think we know the theory!  
CGG: so maybe soon we’ll be able to visit them or they’ll be able to visit us.  
CEB: that sounds fun!  
CEB: i guess if you’re going to be doomed, you might as well be doomed together.  
CTT: Truly an inspiring statement for the modern age.  
CEB: haha!  
CEB: anyway, dave, karkat’s been pestering me to tell you again to make sure to keep a close eye on the ring.  
CEB: we wouldn’t want it to fall into the wrong hands!  
CTG: oh crap i completely forgot  
CTG: not that it’s all my fault mind you  
CTG: i mean with all this stuff going on how can a dude be expected to keep track of something like a magic ring capable of giving its wielder the power to set a planet on fire  
CTG: and also i guess making them crippled and blind  
CTG: so you got it?  
CTG: yeah i got it dude  
CTT: How goes the effort to recover the other ring?  
CGG: um...  
CGG: i don’t really see it anywhere!  
CGG: i’ve looked all over with those goggles, but i think the rings might be shielded from them.  
CGG: or something. :(  
CEB: it’s okay, jade, we’ll find it!  
CEB: i’ll make sure to keep my eyes open for it when i drop in on skaia  
CEB: you know - to get rid of the bomb.  
CTT: I believe that takes care of most of the current business.  
CTT: We should probably wrap this up. Jade and I need to get to the Subcommittee On First Guardians.  
CEB: yeah and i need to get to the subcommittee on cultural artifacts.  
CEB: there are too many subcommittees.  
CEB: bluh!  
FUTURE grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] 0:07 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FGA: I Confess I May Have Grown Somewhat Overenthusiastic In Setting Up Subcommittees  
FGA: However The Problem Before Us Is Broad Enough That I Felt We Had Something To Gain By Attacking It From Multiple Perspectives  
CEB: don’t worry, kanaya, it’s all good.  
CEB: complaining about something that isn’t so bad is just something humans do sometimes.  
FGA: Oh  
FGA: I Will Add It To My Ever Growing List Of Humorous Insincerity Used By Humans  
CEB: all right, later.  
CTG: see ya  
CGG: bye everyone!!!  
CTT: Until next we meet.**

 **  
CTT closed memo.  
**


	5. Making The Rounds

Some people can mope around for days or even weeks. They can spend hours at a time wallowing in self-pity, doing nothing except contemplating the many unfortunate things that have happened to them and the fundamental unfairness of life.

Because such people are not well adapted to survive playing SGRUB, Karkat got sick of it in about two hours. He might have gone on longer if his withdrawal was having an apparent effect. Instead, life got on without him. People kept running around and typing feverishly on their computers. Plans were being made and implemented without his leaderly guidance.

This could not go on.

Skimming through the recently dated memos, Karkat zeroed in on the apparent usurper and proceeded to march forward in order to reclaim the mantle of leadership.

 **  
CG: KANAYA!   
GA: Yes   
CG: WHAT THE HELL? DID YOU THINK I WOULDN’T NOTICE YOU TRYING TO SNEAK YOUR WAY INTO BEING THE LEADER?   
GA: Rest Assured I Had No Such Intentions   
CG: DO YOU EXPECT ME TO ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT?  
CG: BECAUSE IF SO YOU MUST BE DREAMING  
CG: OH WAIT, YOU CAN’T ANYMORE.  
CG: THIS IS A BY-THE-BOOK POWER GRAB.  
CG: YOU WAIT UNTIL I TURN MY BACK FOR A MINUTE AND THEN TAKE CONTROL BY MOBILIZING THE FRIGHTENED AND EASILY LED MOB OF IDIOTS.  
CG: OR IS THERE SOME OTHER REASON YOU STARTED THIS WHOLE THING WITHOUT ME?   
GA: As I Recall You Wanted Nothing To Do With This Effort  
GA: You Were In Fact Quite Emphatic On The Subject   
CG: YEAH WELL I CHANGED MY MIND.  
CG: I STILL SAY WE’RE ALL FUCKING DOOMED, BUT IF THERE IS GOING TO BE ANY KIND OF EFFORT UNDERWAY, IT WILL BE LED BY ME.  
CG: SO HAND OVER THE REINS RIGHT NOW, MARYAM.   
GA: Very Well  
GA: You Have Defeated My Ploy Which I Was Clearly Making  
GA: Because That Is Exactly The Sort Of Thing I Do All The Time  
GA: You May Now Take Charge Of The Itinerary   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?   
GA: It Is The Organizational Structure And Schedule Of Our Effort  
GA: The Survival Committee Encompasses Everyone Willing To Participate In Staving Off Our Supposedly Inevitable Doom  
GA: Which If You Are Joining Includes Everyone We Know  
GA: But Most Of The Actual Work Is Being Done By The Various Subcommittees   
CG: HOW MANY OF THOSE ARE THERE?   
GA: The Number Has Been Steadily Growing Since Conception  
GA: But It Appears To Stabilize At Sixty Two In Two Hours   
CG: THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THAT MANY COMMITTEES ARE NECEESSARY.   
GA: No Of Course Not  
GA: I Freely Confess Some Of The Subcommittees Are Mainly Created To Keep Their Members Occupied  
GA: And Not Thinking About The Terrible Fates That Have The Potential To Befall Us  
GA: But Many Serve A Genuine Purpose   
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT?  
CG: I’M PUTTING YOU IN CHARGE OF THIS COMMITTEE BULLSHIT  
CG: YOU CAN JUST KEEP RUNNING EVERYONE AROUND  
CG: AS LONG AS YOU NEVER FORGET WHO THE TRUE LEADER IS.   
GA: Very Well  
GA: I Shall Make A Post On The Main Board Reminding Everyone Of Your Continued Leadership Status  
GA: In The Meantime I Need You To Do A Favor For Me   
CG: WHY WOULD I DO THAT?   
GA: Because I Can See The Future You Doing It   
CG: GODDAMNIT.  
CG: WHAT’S THE FAVOR?   
GA: I Need You To Check If Everyone Is Doing Their Job And Gently Prod Anyone Goofing Off Back To Work   
CG: YEAH, OKAY.   
**

Karkat walked away, plagued by nagging suspicions that he was being manipulated. But he couldn’t think of a way to retaliate that didn’t involve tracking down the minutiae of hundreds of meetings between assholes and idiots he didn’t even care to look at, much less observe closely. Therefore he would rely on Kanaya’s notable lack of ambition – for the moment at least.

He inspected the lab. Only about half the trolls were still here. Gamzee was not scheduled to go crazy for several more hours. Once that happened there would be no more wandering off. Not if he had anything to say about it. But for the moment, his subordinates were running around like so many fowl with their heads removed.

He stared at those that were present. He walked the lab, looking over their shoulders. Much to his surprise, they actually seemed to be working. Not that he trusted that for a second. All his leadership experience told him that if he turned his back on anyone for even a second, they would immediately stop doing anything useful whatsoever and start being idiots. The situation demanded a more thorough investigation.

The trolls currently in the room were split into three basic groups:

One was Gamzee, lounging in the horn pile all by himself. Karkat immediately decided to put him off until last.

The second group consisted of Eridan, Feferi, and Vriska. This immediately set off warning bells. The two sea-dwellers had had minimal contact since the game’s beginning but Eridan’s recent habit of making speeches about the power of hope seemed to be slowly winning Feferi’s trust. Karkat wasn’t really sure how to feel about that aspect of it. But seeing Eridan next to Vriska was something else. With the kind of thing those two got up to back in the day they were dangerous enough to start with. And now with Vriska’s God Tier powers and Eridan’s White Science they were probably more powerful than the rest of the group combined. If they were to somehow arrange to be in cahoots again…

He had to stop it.

The third group, consisting of Sollux and Nepeta, was certainly odd, but could wait until later.

 **  
CG: OKAY, THERE IS NO WAY THE TWO OF YOU AREN’T GETTING UP TO SOMETHING, SO OUT WITH IT: WHAT HORRIBLE THING ARE YOU PLOTTING?   
AG: Oh, please, Karkat!  
AG: I am much too 8usy to indulge your theatrics.  
AG: For your information, I am 8eing a good little trooper and juggling the su8committees like so many irons in the fire.  
AG: So many!   
CG: THAT IS THE WORST METAPHOR EVER.  
CG: IF YOU TRIED JUGGLING IRONS FROM THE FIRE, YOU WOULD BURN YOUR HANDS.  
CG: ACTUALLY, NEVER MIND.  
CG: THE METAPHOR IS PERFECT, BECAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF DUMB STUNT YOU WOULD PULL.   
AG: Thanks!!!!!!!!   
CG: BUT I STILL DON’T TRUST YOU FOR A SECOND.  
CG: AND I DON’T TRUST THIS FISH-FACE HERE EITHER.   
CC: Do you )(ave some sort of a problem with fis)( faces? 38P  
CC: For your information, --Eridan’s been be)(aving )(imself!  
CC: Glub.   
AG: In other words, the dwee8 has mostly 8een hitting on us.  
AG: With no time left over for any of his lame gothy supervillainly.  
AG: Talk about paaaaaaaathetic!   
CA: none of that is evven remotely true  
CA: wwell except the part about the supervvillainy  
CA: i really havvent been doin much of that lately  
CA: but i definitely wwasnt hitting on anyone  
CA: although i don’t sea wwhy you should be so hostile to the idea  
CA: i mean its not like you havve a proper rivval or anythin  
CA: wwhat wwith noir bein dead and tavvros bein a fuckin doormat   
AG: You see what I mean. ::::)   
CG: OKAY, I CAN BELIEVE THAT HE HAS BEEN WAY TOO BUSY GETTING SHOT DOWN ROMANTICALLY TO PLOT ANYTHING MUCH.  
CG: BUT YOU I STILL SUSPECT.   
AG: Oh pleeeeeeeease, Karkat!  
AG: I have a vested interest in surviving too, you know.  
AG: So I’ll play Kanaya’s little game until it gets too 8oring.  
AG: At which point I will 8egin subverting it to my own ends.   
CG: NOW THAT I’M WILLING TO BELIEVE.  
CG: YOU’RE OFF THE HOOK FOR NOW.   
**

Karkat tried to decide how much of that he could trust. Quite a bit, probably. Eridan had never really been that serious about killing. It was more a way to meet girls than anything else. And the contempt in Vriska’s voice seemed genuine. It didn’t seem as though she was willing to look past her own superiority complex long enough to reform Team Karkat Doesn’t Need This Bullshit Right Now.

Not for the first time Karkat was thankful that whatever deity decided to make it impossible for trolls to do anything useful for five minutes at a time extended that inability to killing.

With that situation ostensibly under control, he could head for the other one. Sollux and Nepeta, while unlikely to be up to much, were a strange enough combination to warrant investigating.

 **  
CG: I AM SUSPICIOUS AS HELL.  
CG: MAINLY AS TO WHY YOU’RE HANGING HERE WITH THE CATGIRL INSTEAD OF OVER THERE WITH THE FISHGIRL.   
TA: KK, ii am tryiing 2 get 2ome actual work done.  
TA: FF ii2 iin no way conductiive 2 thii2 ambiitiion.   
CG: AND I’M SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THIS ONE HERE IS?   
AC: :33 < *a mighty lioness pounces on the crabby little customer  
AC: :33 < * she holds him down and explains  
AC: :33 < i have been working very diligently!  
AC: :33 < *ac has a very impawtant job to do here   
TA: a2iide from the 2hiitty roleplayiing 2he 2as been mo2tly quiet.   
CG: OKAY POP QUIZ: WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON?   
TA: ii call iit the project2 2fold   
CG: OF COURSE YOU DO.   
TA: 1: ii’m on the 2ubcommiittee of computiing machiinery  
TA: where ii have to carry the whole project on my back  
TA: becau2e the only one around here who know2 even the 2liighte2t biit about codiing ii2 equiiu2 and he’2 2 bu2y with other bull2hiit.  
TA: 2: ii am al2o on the 2ubcommiittee of p2ychiic power2  
TA: where my chief job is to 2iit around 2cratchiing my head along wiith everyone el2e  
TA: becau2e really what do any of us know about the oriigiin or nature of tho2e thiing2  
TA: we might a2 well be gamzee tryiing 2 figure out magnet2 for all the good we’re doiing.  
TA: and kanaya put me on a 2lew of other 2ubcommittee2 but ii’ve been actiively iignoriing them becau2e ii’ve got enough on my plate a2 iit ii2.   
CG: FINE, BUT I’M WATCHING YOU.  
CG: AND IF I CATCH YOU GOOFING OFF, I’M GOING TO SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU SO HARD THOSE STUPID GLASSES OF YOURS WILL FLY RIGHT OFF YOUR FACE.  
CG: IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?   
TA: 2hut up, KK.   
CG: FUCK YOU.   
**

Okay, that was all taken care of. Sollux’s loyalty to the cause had been confirmed and the traditional volley of insults and quasi-sincere hostility exchanged. Apparently nothing fishy was going on at the moment. Probably this was all still too new to everyone. Give it a couple more hours and they would be tripping all over themselves to fuck everything up.

But that still left Gamzee. As much as Karkat wanted to just walk away, he could not in all good conscience do so.

So...

 **  
CG: UH, HEY.  
CG: YOU ALL RIGHT?   
TC: MoThErFuCkInG FiNe mY BrOtHeR   
CG: NOT FEELING...CRAZY OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?   
TC: NaH  
TC: I Am uNdEr aBsOlUtElY No cOmPuLsIoN To kIlL YoU AlL AnD MaKe yOuR BlOoD InTo mIrAcLeS   
CG: OH GOD.  
CG: WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT.   
TC: BeCaUsE It’S TrUe oF CoUrSe  
TC: WhY ElSe sAy mOtHeRfUcKiNg aNyThInG   
CG: OKAY, NO.  
CG: I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NOW.  
CG: JUST...JUST SIT HERE AND KEEP DOING WHATEVER YOU WERE DOING.  
CG: AND IF YOU FEEL THAT COMPULSION YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT, JUST GET UP AND GET AS FAR AWAY FROM US AS POSSIBLE, ALL RIGHT?   
TC: SuRe  
TC: If yOu sAy sO   
CG: I DO.  
CG: I ABSOLUTELY SAY SO.  
CG: DON’T YOU WORRY, GAMZEE.  
CG: WE’RE GOING TO FIX YOU.  
CG: WE’RE GOING TO GET YOU SOME MORE SLIME AND GET YOU BACK TO NORMAL.   
TC: rEaLlY   
CG: WELL, IF WE’RE BEING REALISTIC, PROBABLY NOT.  
CG: MOST LIKELY WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE, PROBABLY BY YOUR HAND.  
CG: BUT UNTIL THEN WE’LL JUST KEEP TRYING.   
TC: WeLl tHaT’s ReAlLy aLl a MoThErFuCkEr cAn aSk fOr iSn’T It  
TC: ExCePt mAyBe a mIrAcLe oR TwO To hElP OuT   
CG: GAMZEE, AT THIS POINT I’LL TAKE WHATEVER HELP I CAN GET.  
CG: SO PRAY TO WHATEVER FUCKING GODS YOU WORSHIP AS HARD AS YOU CAN.   
TC: CaN Do mOtHeRfUcKeR   
**

And that - finally - took care of everyone in the room. Unfortunately, this was just the beginning. Karkat had another question to face.

 **  
CG: HAS ANYONE SEEN TAVROS, EQUIUS, ARADIA, OR TEREZI?  
CG: WAIT.  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: EQUIUS AND ARADIA ARE MISSING AT THE SAME TIME.  
CG: THAT MEANS THERE IS A SMALL BUT SIGNIFICANT CHANCE THEY ARE MAKING OUT.   
AG: Thanks a l8t, Karkaaaaaaaat!  
AG: Some of us were trying to forg8t that!   
TA: 2eriiou2ly.   
CG: OKAY, ARE THEY IN THE FLUSHED OR CALIGIONOUS PHASE RIGHT NOW?  
CG: GOD I DON’T KNOW WHICH IS WORSE.   
AC: :33 < *ac thinks it’s very cute!*  
AC: :33 < also i think you should be fine as long as you don’t check the pile of robot parts.   
CG: OH GOD NO.  
CG: IF THEY’RE IN THE ROBOT PART PILE I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT.  
CG: I DON’T EVEN CARE IF THEY’RE JUST LYING IN THERE AND DISCUSSING STRATEGY OR SOMETHING.  
CG: ALSO WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THE ROBOT PART PILE ANYWAY?  
CG: I MEAN I REALIZE THERE IS SORT OF A TRADITION OF MAKING PILES OF INCREDIBLY STUPID THINGS AND THEN LYING AROUND IN THEM AROUND HERE, BUT STILL!  
CG: IT’S FUCKING FULL OF JAGGED PIECES OF METAL. I DON’T CARE HOW STRONG HE IS OR HOW HIS GIRLFRIEND’S MADE OF METAL, THAT CANNOT BE IN ANY WAY COMFORTABLE.  
CG: FUCK IT, THOSE TWO CAN GET BACK TO WORK WHENEVER THEY WANT.  
CG: I DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO TALK TO HIM ANYWAY.   
**

Karkat was through the transportalizer before he realized he forgot to ask where the other two were. Naturally, he didn’t go back and instead forged ahead blindly, hoping to run into one of them through sheer dumb luck.

Evidently, dumb luck was indeed on his side today because it took no more than five minutes for him to run into Tavros. To no-one’s surprise, Tavros wasn’t working. But he didn’t seem to be randomly running around stashing things where they didn’t belong either. Instead, he was just sort of sitting on a stair with his head supported by his arms – whether to demonstrate heavy emotions or to compensate for the enormous weight of his horns Karkat didn’t know.

Still, he wasn’t busy. Such insubordination could not go unpunished.

 **  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?   
AT: hI, kARKAT,  
AT: i AM THINKING,  
AT: oR AT LEAST I AM TRYING TO,   
CG: AND JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT?  
CG: BECAUSE IT HAD BETTER BE YOUR ASSIGNMENT.  
CG: OR ELSE.   
AT: nO, nOT REALLY I SUPPOSE,  
AT: kANAYA PUT ME ON THE SUBCOMMITTEE OF ROLEPLAYING,  
AT: aND ALSO THE SUBCOMMITTEE OF PROSPIT,  
AT: bUT IF WE’RE BEING HONEST I DON’T REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT THOSE THINGS,  
AT: i THINK THAT RIGHT NOW,  
AT: i WOULD PREFER TO JUST SIT HERE AND THINK,  
AT: aBOUT OTHER STUFF,  
AT: iF THAT’S OKAY,   
CG: WHAT OTHER STUFF, EXACTLY?   
AT: wELL, i AM THINKING ABOUT CONFIDENCE A LOT,  
AT: aND ALSO RED FEELINGS,  
AT: aND FRIENDSHIP,  
AT: aND A LOT OF OTHER THINGS, rEALLY,   
CG: OH GOD.  
CG: DOES THIS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH VRISKA?   
AT: nOT, uHHHH,  
AT: nOT ALL OF IT,  
AT: bUT MAYBE SOME OF IT,   
CG: WHO, THEN?   
AT: i WOULD RATHER NOT SAY,  
AT: iF THAT’S OKAY WITH YOU,   
CG: NO IT’S NOT FUCKING OKAY WITH ME.  
CG: IF YOU’RE GOING TO SIT AROUND ON THESE STAIRS AND MOPE AROUND INSTEAD OF GOING OUT AND BEING USELESS IN ONE OF KANAYA’S BULLSHIT COMMITTEES,  
CG: YOU WILL AT LEAST TELL ME EXACTLY WHY.   
AT: oH, oKAY,  
AT: iT’S JADE.   
CG: OH GOD.  
CG: AGAIN WITH THE HUMAN-TROLL ROMANCES.  
CG: THIS IS THE SICKEST FUCKING THING I’VE EVER HEARD.   
AT: dON’T WORRY,  
AT: jADE ISN’T INTERESTED IN ME,  
AT: iN THAT WAY,  
AT: sHE SAID SO,  
AT: wHICH IS SORT OF WHY I AM SITTING AROUND HERE,  
AT: mOPING,  
AT: aND ALSO THINKING,   
CG: WELL, IT COULD BE WORSE.  
CG: YOU COULD BE ERIDAN.   
AT: i DON’T THINK I’M THAT MUCH BETTER OFF,  
AT: iF WE’RE BEING HONEST,   
CG: MAYBE YOU TWO COULD GET TOGETHER SOMETIME AND START THE REJECTED BY HUMANS CLUB.   
AT: aND WOULD YOU JOIN US IN THAT CLUB,  
AT: kARKAT,   
CG: STFU!   
AT: sORRY,   
CG: LOOK, JUST  
CG: JUST NEVERMIND.  
CG: SO HAVE YOU COME UP WITH ANYTHING?  
CG: IN YOUR THOUGHTS I MEAN.   
AT: wELL,  
AT: iN THINKING ABOUT CONFIDENCE,  
AT: i THINK THAT MAYBE HAVING CONFIDENCE IS IMPORTANT,  
AT: bUT IT IS NOT GOING TO GET YOU EVERYTHING YOU WANT,   
CG: BETTER THAN NOTHING, I GUESS.  
CG: OKAY, YOU CAN MOPE FOR ANOTHER HALF AN HOUR  
CG: BUT THEN YOU HAVE TO GET BACK TO THIS COMMITTEE CRAP.  
CG: AND PLAYING GAMES FOR GIRLS AND TALKING ABOUT PRANCING AROUND PROSPIT IN YOUR FUCKING SISSY GOLDEN LEOTARD.  
CG: GOT IT?   
AT: yES,  
AT: aND I THINK THAT MAYBE I AM OKAY WITH THAT,  
AT: i GUESS I WILL PROBABLY SEE JADE A LOT IN THE SUBCOMMITTEES,  
AT: aND EVEN IF SHE DOESN’T FEEL RED FOR ME, WE CAN AT LEAST BECOME FRIENDS,  
AT: aND I AM HAVING SOME OTHER HOPES,  
AT: bUT I DON’T WANT TO SAY THEM RIGHT NOW,   
CG: OH GOD WITH THE HOPE.  
CG: I DO NOT WANT TO LISTEN TO ANYTHING ABOUT HOPE RIGHT NOW.  
CG: JUST GET BACK TO YOUR MOPING, OKAY?   
AT: i DON’T KNOW IF I WANT TO MOPE ANYMORE,  
AT: aLTHOUGH I THINK THAT I STILL WANT TO THINK FOR A LITTLE BIT,  
AT: aND ALSO TO SAY THANK YOU FOR LISTENING,   
CG: OH NO YOU DON’T.  
CG: DON’T YOU TURN INTO A BLUBBERING PANSY ON ME RIGHT NOW.  
CG: WE HAVE A JOB TO DO HERE.  
CG: YOUR JOB IS TO GET OVER YOURSELF AS SOON AS POSSIBLE  
CG: AND MY JOB IS TO GO FIND TEREZI I GUESS.   
**

And that left precisely one subordinate left to find. Naturally it was the wiliest one. If Terezi did not want to be found, no-one could find her.

Okay, no, that was a lie. Terezi actually left more of a trail behind herself than anyone else. You could track her down anywhere by the trail of shitty chalk drawing and freshly executed plushies. It took about ten minutes for Karkat to track her to one of the abandoned labs.

 **  
GC: H3Y TH3R3!  
GC: TO WH4T DO 1 OW3 TH3 PL34SUR3 OF TH1S V1S1T?   
CG: I’M HERE TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE STAYS IN LINE AND DOES THE JOB THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO.   
GC: OH, 1 G3T 1T!   
GC: K4N4Y4 ROP3D YOU 1NTO M4K1NG SUR3 3V3RYON3 W4S ST4Y1NG ON H3R PR3C1OUS SCH3DULE! >:)   
CG: NO-ONE’S ROPED ME INTO ANYTHING.  
CG: I AM THE LEADER HERE.  
CG: AND THAT MAKES ALL SCHEDULES MINE, REGARDLESS OF WHO I GET TO MAKE THEM.   
GC: OF COURS3 1T DO3S!  
GC: WH1CH 1 GU3SS 3XPL41NS WHY YOU 4RE H3R3 NOW.  
GC: RUNN1NG 3RRANDS.  
GC: (1T DO3SN’T 4CTU4LLY 3XPL41N TH4T 4T 4LL!)   
CG: I DON’T KNOW WHY I BOTHER, REALLY.  
CG: IT’S NOT LIKE ANYTHING YOU DO COULD EVER BE USEFUL TO THE MISSION ANYWAY.   
GC: K4RK4T! SUCH D1STRUST! >:o  
GC: 1 4M 1NSULT3D!  
GC: FOR YOUR 1NFORM4T1ON, OH GRUMPY L34D3R, 1 4M H3R3 R1GHT NOW ON A S3CR3T M1SS1ON!   
CG: A SECRET MISSION? IS THAT SO?  
CG: AND JUST WHAT WOULD THIS SO-CALLED SECRET MISSION HAPPEN TO INVOLVE?   
GC: TH4T...   
CG: YES?   
GC: 1S...   
CG: YES? I’M LISTENING   
GC: 4 S3CR3ET! >:)   
CG: GOODDAMN IT, TEREZI!  
CG: YOU ARE GOING TO TELL ME WHAT YOU’RE DOING HERE RIGHT NOW!   
GC: F1N3, M1ST3R SN1PPY-P4NTS.  
GC: 1F YOU MUST KNOW, 1 4M S34RCH1NG FOR SOPOR SL1M3.   
CG: THAT’S BULLSHIT. THERE’S NO MORE SOPOR SLIME.  
CG: IF THERE WAS SOPOR SLIME HERE, WE WOULD DUPLICATE IT AND FEED SOME TO GAMZEE AND HE WOULDN’T GO CRAZY.  
CG: AND SINCE HE DOES GO CRAZY, CLEARLY THIS HUNT OF YOURS IS GOING TO AMOUNT OF NOTHING.   
GC: YOU C4N S4Y WH4T YOU W4NT, BUT TH3R3 1S ST1LL SOPOR SLIME ABOARD THIS M3T3OR.   
CG: AND HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT, HUH?   
GC: 1 C4N SM3LL 1T, K4RKL3S!  
GC: YOU C4N FOOL TH3 3Y3, BUT THE NOS3 KNOWS!   
CG: WAIT, SERIOUSLY?  
CG: YOU CAN SMELL THE SLIME?   
GC: Y3S!  
GC: TH3R3FOR3, 1 W1LL CL34RLY F1ND 1T JUST 1N TH3 N1CK OF T1M3!  
GC: 4ND M4K3 MY D4R1NG 3SC4P3 FROM G4MZ33!   
CG: OR GET CAUGHT BY HIM AND HAVE YOUR HEAD BLOWN OPEN.  
CG: YOU DON’T KNOW BECAUSE YOU HAVEN’T BEEN CHECKING ON YOUR FUTURE SELF EITHER.   
GC: OF COURS3 1 H4V3N’T!  
GC: WH4T K1ND OF L1F3 WOULD 1 H4V3 1F 4LL 1 D1D W4S S33 WH4T 1 W4S GO1NG TO DO 1N TH3 FUTUR3?  
GC: NOT A V3RY PROP3R K1ND OF L1F3 4T 4LL, TH4T’S FOR SUR3!   
CG: YEAH, NO, SCREW THAT.  
CG: IF YOU’RE GOING TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS, I’M STAYING WITH YOU.   
GC: WHY K4RK4T! 1 D1DN’T KNOW YOU C4R3D!  
GC: 4ND WH4T 4BOUT YOUR L34D3RSH1P ROL3?  
GC: 4R3N’T YOU M34NT TO BE SC4MP3R1NG 4ROUND 4ND POK1NG 3V3RYON3?   
CG: THREE WORDS, TEREZI:  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: THAT.  
CG: SHIT.  
CG: NOW LET’S GO!   
GC: >:D   
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought of the robot part pile before it appeared in canon, so I'm taking full credit for making that extremely obvious leap of logic on my own.


	6. Friends And Enemies

**caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

 **  
CA: hey kan havve you thought about my offer   
GA: I Am Afraid I Still Do Not Fully Comprehend The Premise Of The Organization You Are Attempting To Create   
CA: wwhats not to comprehend  
CA: its a rejected by humans club and it is pretty much wwhat it sounds like  
CA: i think wwe can all agree that youre going to be qualified to join sooner or later so im wwilling to wwavve the requirements right now   
GA: I Am Sure I Have No Idea What Youre Talking About   
CA: kan trust me on this  
CA: as the prince of hope i am uniquely qualified to determine when there is no hope left  
CA: and you havve no hope wwith the human girl  
CA: so you might as wwell join the club noww and savve yourself the hassle   
GA: And Who Would Be Keeping Us Company In This Club  
GA: Might I Ask   
CA: right now its me and tav  
CA: kar said he didnt want to join but im sure he wwill change his mind once wwe get enough people  
CA: and betwween you and me i think terezi wwill join us eventually  
CA: and maybe vriska  
CA: i think  
CA: i dont knoww   
GA: I Feel Like You Have Possibly Created A Solution In Search Of A Problem   
CA: wwell if thats the wway you feel  
CA: then howw about joinin the mad at vriska club instead   
GA: And Who Is In That Prestigious Organization   
CA: wwell i sort of just made it up  
CA: but im pretty sure wwere not going to have problems with membership  
CA: except maybe wwith beatin excess ones from the doors   
GA: I Will Admit The Premise Of Your Club Intrigues Me  
GA: I Wish To Know More   
CA: all right but you should knoww  
CA: the first rule of the club is dont talk to vriska about the club  
CA: keep your mouth clammed up   
GA: And The Second Rule   
CA: i wwil admit i am not that far yet  
CA: listen let me think for a wwhile and get back to you at this point of time   
GA: I Will Eagerly Await Your Call   
**

**caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

 **adiosToreador [AT] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]**

 **  
AT: hI, jOHN,   
EB: oh hey!  
EB: do i know you?   
AT: uHHHH, i DON’T THINK SO,  
AT: i DO NOT THINK I HAVE TALKED TO YOU BEFORE,  
AT: bUT, i TALKED TO YOUR FRIEND JADE A LOT,  
AT: aND SHE HAS ALWAYS SAID GOOD THINGS ABOUT YOU,  
AT: mY NAME IS TAVROS BY THE WAY,   
EB: well, tavros, any friend of jade’s is a friend of mine.   
AT: tHAT IS A VERY NICE THING OF YOU TO SAY,  
AT: aND I HOPE THAT US BECOMING FRIENDS IS GOING TO HAPPEN,   
EB: it will if you want it to.  
EB: friendship is easy like that.  
EB: if two people want to be friends, there’s not a lot that can stop them!   
AT: wOW, yOU SEEM TO KNOW A LOT ABOUT FRIENDSHIP,  
AT: aND I WAS WONDERING,  
AT: iF YOU ALSO KNOW THINGS ABOUT, uHHH, cONFIDENCE,   
EB: if you want to know about confidence, you’d be better off asking dave!  
EB: dave is like the king of all the confident dudes.  
EB: you can’t beat dave at a confidence contest.  
EB: he is simply the best there is.   
AT: nO, bUT SEE, i THINK THAT MAYBE HE IS NOT,  
AT: bETWEEN YOU AND ME I THINK THAT MAYBE THE KIND OF CONFIDENCE DAVE HAS IS,  
AT: fAKEY MADE UP CONFIDENCE,  
AT: wHERE YOU ARE NOT REALLY CONFIDENT, bUT YOU TELL EVERYONE HOW CONFIDENT YOU ARE,  
AT: bECAUSE YOU HOPE THAT IF YOU SAY IT ENOUGH,  
AT: iT WILL COME TRUE,   
EB: well...  
EB: i don’t know about all that.  
EB: between you and me i think it’s true dave sometimes does the thing that you said,  
EB: but i also think that somewhere deep down he really is that confident!  
EB: he just needs to see it.   
AT: oKAY, sEE, tHIS KIND OF INSIGHT IS THE THING THAT I WAS LOOKING FOR,  
AT: bECAUSE JADE HAS ALREADY SHOWN ME WHAT CONFIDENCE IS NOT,  
AT: bUT I HAVE BEEN HAVING A HARD TIME FINDING SOMEONE WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT CONFIDENCE IS,  
AT: wITHOUT SOUNDING LIKE DAVE DOES,  
AT: aND I THINK THAT AS A PAGE,  
AT: i AM SUPPOSED TO LEARN AT FOREIGN COURTS,  
AT: aND OTHER PLACES FAR FROM HOME,  
AT: aND THE ONLY RACE I KNOW OTHER THAN HUMANS AND TROLLS,  
AT: aRE THE HORRORTERRORS,  
AT: wHO ARE FRIENDLY BUT ALSO VERY CONFUSING,  
AT: aND ALSO I DON’T THINK THEY HAVE THE CONCEPT OF CONFIDENCE,   
EB: well, i don’t know that much about confidence, but i can at least try to tell you what i do know!   
AT: tHAT WOULD BE, uHHHH, nICE,  
AT: aND ALSO HELPFUL,   
EB: i think that part of confidence is knowing what you can do.  
EB: and if you can do something well, you can be more confident about it!   
AT: oKAY,   
EB: and another part is maybe knowing that sometimes you will regret not doing something way more than you would doing something!  
EB: like staying up to try and catch the monster under your bed.  
EB: you are scared of the moster, but. . .  
EB: you are more scared of spending the rest of your life wondering what could have happened!   
AT: oH, i SEE,  
AT: lIKE WHEN I TOLD JADE ABOUT MY FEELINGS FOR HER,  
AT: i, uHHHH, kIND OF REGRET IT,  
AT: bUT, i THINK I SEE THAT I WOULD HAVE REGRETTED NOT SAYING IT MORE,  
AT: aND ALSO NOW I AM LEARNING A LOT ABOUT THINGS BECAUSE OF IT,  
AT: sO MAYBE IT WAS FOR THE BEST,   
EB: maybe!  
EB: wait...  
EB: you have feelings for jade?  
AT: uHHHH,  
EB: oh snap!  
EB: looks like karkat’s diagram will need some updating!  
AT: i HAVE TO GO NOW,   
**

**adiosToreador [AT] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB]**

 **  
EB: heh heh heh.   
**

**  
Hello.   
AG: Y8u again!  
AG: What do you want this time?  
AG: I don’t need any more of your help.  
AG: So far it’s gotten me haunted, blown up, and nearly eviscer8ed!!!!!!!!   
And made you into a living god.   
AG: No.  
AG: I did that!  
AG: M8!  
AG: You had nothing to d8 with it!  
AG: And now I supp8se you’ll tell me it was p8rt of your pl8n all along.  
AG: Well, you can just go away!  
AG: G8 away and never c8me 8ack!   
Fine.  
Enjoy being doomed.   
AG: Oh, was that not part of your precious plan?  
AG: Did something g8 wrong? ::::)   
Remember: he’s already here.   
AG: What?   
He’s already here.  
No matter what you do, there will always be a timeline where the demon descends on your world.  
And the sooner this doomed timeline runs its course the sooner we can all get back to the main one.  
One where you matter.   
AG: What is that supposed to mean? Are you trying to get me to kill more of my friends? Or may8e commit suicide?   
Face the facts: in some timeline out there you are the creator of your greatest foe and one of the most important players.  
But here you have been pushed into the background in favor of rapping strongmen and meddlesome bureaucrats.  
This timeline is destined to end sooner or later, reverting things to how they’re supposed to be. I am offering you a chance to help end this farce early.  
That’s all.   
AG: Screw you!   
Of course. That was always going to be your response.  
You won’t feel that way after the death of your apprentice.   
AG: John?   
In the main timeline he has a purpose to serve. But here he is as irrelevant as you are.   
AG: Yeah, r8ght. You can’t do anything by yourself.  
AG: Th8t’s why you always used me to do your dirty w8rk.   
To the contrary. I am omnipotent. And your friend is doomed.  
Goodbye.   
AG: Your threats don’t scare me!  
AG: I’m not afraid, do you hear me!  
AG: I’m not afr8!   
**

**CCG RIGHT NOW opened memo on board WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE.**

 **CCG: RIGHT.  
CCG: WE WILL BE USING THIS BOARD BECAUSE IT SEEMS MORE APPROPRIATE TO THE SITUATION AT HAND.  
CCG: AND ALSO BECAUSE THE OTHER ONE IS ALL CLOGGED UP WITH THE SUBCOMMITTEE BULLSHIT.  
CCG: SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH ALL THESE SUBCOMMITTEES?  
CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGA: We Have Discussed The Subcommittee Structure Before  
CGA: All Complaints About The Organization Should Be Placed Into The Designated Dropbox  
CCG: YOU ARE GETTING AWAY WITH SAYING THAT BECAUSE WE’RE IN A LOT MORE TROUBLE RIGHT NOW.  
CCG: LOOK ALIVE PEOPLE, THE G-HOUR IS HERE!  
CCG: GAMZEE IS OFFICIALLY OFF HIS NUT.  
CCG: THIS MEANS THAT UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE, ALL TRAVEL TO ANY OTHER ROOM FOR ANY REASON IS SUSPENDED.  
CCG: WE SHOULD BE SAFE HERE. WITH VRISKA AND ERIDAN NUKING, EQUIUS AND HIS STUPID ROBOTS TANKING, ARADIA DEBUFFING, AND THER REST OF US FLANKING, GAMZEE WOULDN’T LAST AGAINST ALL OF US.  
CURRENT twinArmageddons [CTA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTA: KK, none of thii2 ii2 new2 two anyone.  
CTA: we all know thii2 2tuff already.  
CTA: we were the one2 who had two walk gamzee to hii2 de2iignated posiitiion.  
CTA: iit’2 you and terezii who were mi22iing agaiin2t your own stupiid rule2.  
PAST centaursTesticle 2 [PCT] 1:45 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
PCT: D --> As the safety commissioner I am FORCED to give you both safety demerits  
CCG: LIKE I CARE ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FUCKING DEMERITS.  
CCG: OH, LOOK, EVERYONE, COMMISSIONER SWEATY AND HIS SIDEKICK THE FLIGHTY FELINE ARE GOING TO COME DOWN ON ME.  
PCT: D --> As of several minutes ago, three safety demerits are punishable by a five minute timeout  
CCG: SERIOUSLY?  
PCT: D --> In the robot part pile  
CCG: OH.  
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGC: H3H H3H H3H.  
CGC: K4RK4T 4ND 1 H4V3 B33N DO1NG SOM3TH1NG TH4T 1S WORTH 4NY 4MOUNT OF T1M3 SP3NT 1N 4 P1L3!  
CGC: W3 H4V3 B33N S34RCH1NG FOR A W4Y TO CUR3 OUR D34R L11TL3 G4MZ33  
CGC: 4ND G3T H1M B4CK TO H1S USU4L S1LLY S3LF!  
CTA: plea2e tell me you found iit.  
CCG: OH, WE FOUND IT!  
CCG: LUCKILY GAMZEE HAPPENED TO EAT A PIECE OF PIE IN THE FURTHEST, DEEPEST LAB IN THIS GODFORSAKEN PLACE.  
CCG: AND THEN DROP IT LIKE THE CLUMSY BUFFOON HE IS.  
CCG: NOT THAT IT WAS EASY.  
CCG: EVERY FUCKING MOSTER INSIDE THIS METEOR SEEMED TO HAVE BROKEN OUT AND DECIDED TO ATTACK US.  
CCG: BUT WE STILL PULLED IT OFF.  
CCG: BECAUSE WE’RE AWESOME LIKE THAT.  
[??] apocalypseArisen [?AA] AT ?:?? responded to memo.  
?AA: excuse me  
?AA banned CTC from responding to memo.  
?AA: this c0nversation sh0uld n0t be interrupted  
CCG: OKAY, I ACTUALLY APPRECIATE THAT.  
CCG: BUT I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY WE ALLOW THE TIME SUBCOMMITTEE SO MUCH INDEPENDENCE.  
CCG: JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN ALL TRAVEL THROUGH TIME DOESN’T MEAN YOU ALL HAVE TO BE ASSHOLES ABOUT IT.  
CCG: IT’S NOT LIKE THE REST OF US CAN’T JUST TALK TO ANYONE ANYWHERE.  
?AA: this makes for g00d practice  
?AA: ribbit  
?AA: excuse me  
CCG: PRACTICE FOR WHAT?  
?AA: we call it plan epil0gue  
?AA: but y0u are n0t yet equipped to understand the details  
?AA: just wait f0r it  
CCG: FINE, WHATEVER.  
[??] turntechGodhead [?TG] AT ?:?? responded to memo.  
?TG: excuse me  
?TG banned FTC from responding to memo.  
?TG: also i have to say  
?TG: don’t start your gamzee hunt yet  
?TG: i know you’re excited about it but just wait a couple hours  
?TG: you are all going to be dealing with so much shit you’ll hardly have time for genocidal clowns  
CCG: WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?  
CCG: HOLD ON, I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING BEFORE THE LAST OF THE TERRIBLE TRIO SHOWS UP.  
CCG banned PTC from responding to memo.  
CCG: THERE.  
CCG: NOT THAT THERE IS MUCH POINT IN CONTINUING THIS SINCE MY BRILLIANT PLAN JUST GOT SHOT DOWN.  
[??] turntechGodhead [?TG] AT ?:?? responded to memo.  
?TG: excuse me  
?TG unbanned PTC from responding to memo.  
CCG: IT’S OFFICIAL.  
CCG: EVERYONE WHO CAN TIME TRAVEL SUCKS.  
PAST terminallyCapricious [FTC] 0:38:00 HOURS AGO responded to memo.  
PTC: HeLlO  
CCG: OH GOD!  
PTC: ChIlL bRoThEr  
PTC: AlL Is rElAtIvElY WeLl  
PTC: I HaVe pRaYeD To tHe mOtHeRfUcKiNg aUtHoRiTiEs  
PTC: aNd wAs pRoMiSeD MoRe pIe  
PTC: NoW I’m jUsT KiNd oF ChIlLiNg hErE MySeLf  
PTC: WaItInG FoR ThE MoThErFuCkInG FuTuRe  
PTC: AnD It oCcUrS To mE  
PTC: wHeN YoU Do wHaT YoU NeEd tO Do  
PTC: EqUiUs sHoUlD UsE HiS BoW  
CCG: WHAT THE HELL?  
CCG: DID YOU TRANSFORM ALREADY?  
CCG: EQUIUS IS FUCKING USELESS WITH HIS BOW AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT!  
CCG: ARE YOU TRYING TO SABOTAGE US?  
PCT: D --> As much e%crutiating pain as it causes me, I have to agree  
PCT: D --> I sh001d not be relying on a method that has proved so disastrous in the past at such a critical juncture  
PCT: D --> Even if it is the noblest of all arts  
PTC: HeY I Am jUsT ThE MoThErFuCkInG MeSsEnGeR  
PTC: BuT FoR WhAt iT Is wOrTh i tHiNk yOu sHoUlD TrUsT Me  
PTC: AfTeR AlL YoU NeVeR KnOw wHeN YoU WiLl eNcOuNtEr a  
PTC: MiRaClE  
PTC: HoNK :o)**

 **PTC closed memo. **


	7. Just A Game

****

**CAC RIGHT NOW opened memo on board Doomed Is Just A Word.**

 **CAC banned PAG from responding to memo.  
CAC banned CAG from responding to memo.  
CAC banned FAG from responding to memo.  
CAC: :33 < *the purrfectly impurrtand pouncelor bangs her gavel  
CAC: :33 < bang bang BANG  
CAC: :33 < she would like to declare this meeting of the roleplaying subcom-kitty open!*  
CAC: :33 < *she now invites all the purrmanent members to check in*  
CURRENT adiosToreador [CAT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CAT: pRESENT,  
CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGG: present!  
CURRENT cuttlefishCuller [CCC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCC: PR-------ESENT!!!  
CAC: :33 < *she would now like to ask the special guest members to respawnd*  
CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CAA: ribbit  
CAA: i mean present  
CURRENT TentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTT: Present.  
CURRENT caligulasAquarium [CCA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCA: present  
CAC: :33 < *the pouncelor would like to welcome the new furrhiends*  
CAC: :33 < *aradia is an expurrienced roleplayer who has taken a long break!*  
CAA: i am excited to be back in the f0ld!  
CAC: :33 < *rose is new to the purrsuit  
CTT: I hope to adapt quickly.  
CAC: :33 < *and eridan is reminded that he is here on purrbation  
CCA: and yet i am still just as hopeful and --EXCIT--ED as anyone  
CCC: T)(e c)(ief caretaker would like to warn the wizard that stealing )(her style will result in cruel and unusual pun-IS)(M----ENT!  
CCA: the mighty wwizard of wwhite science says brin it on  
CCA: he has taken her carp before and he can do it again  
CCC: She asks is that so?  
CCC: Per)(aps it is time to tuna things up and prepare the battle aquarium!  
CAC: :33 < *ac would like to interrupt and say that she appreciates the enthusiasm  
CAC: :33 < but we have a lot to get through today, so please keep interruptions to a meownimum  
CAA: the pretty peasant girl gr0ans  
CAA: she is n0t 0kay with that last pun!  
CAC: :33 < *the pouncelor pawnders whether the peasant girl’s sw33theart knows she is a peasant girl here*  
CAA: the peasant girl in turn p0nders whether the p0uncell0r’s 0bject 0f affection is aware 0f his status as such  
CAC: :33 < *the pouncelor backs down*  
CAC: :33 < *she suggests the boy-skylark begin the adventure*  
CAT: oKAY,  
CAT: iT IS THE BEGINNING OF THE SCENARIO AND THE PARTY STANDS ON THE ROAD,  
CAT: tHAT ENTERS THE WOODS IN ONE DIRECTION,  
CAT: aND RETURNS TO THE TOWN IN THE OTHER,  
CAT: yOU SEE A GNOME AT THE WOODS ENTRANCE,  
CAT: mAYBE HE KNOWS ABOUT THE MAGIC RING YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO RETRIEVE,  
CAT: iS WHAT YOU THINK,  
CCA: i grasp him with my scientific powers  
CAT: oKAY,  
CCA: then i wwring the knowwledge of the ring’s wwherabouts from his pathetic gnomey brain  
CAT: i GUESS THAT’S OKAY,  
CAT: oKAY, sO HE KNOWS THE RING IS IN THE TOWER OF THE WIZARD OF BLOOD AND WAR TO THE SOUTHEAST,  
CCA: i fly towwards the towwer immediately and defeat the sad excuse for a wwizard  
CAT: wAIT,  
CCA: i then reduce his towwer to rubble and get the ring from the ruins  
CCA: vvictorious, i present the ring to the caretaker  
CAT: nO, eRIDAN,  
CCA: there  
CCA: i did all a the wwork so i should gain all a the experience  
CCA: is it enough for me to level  
CAC: :33 < *there is no experience, silly fishboy!  
CCC: Also, t)(ere are no levels!  
CCC: NON---E of t)(em!!!  
CCC: Glub glub glub!  
CCA: wwait wwhat  
CAT: wE THOUGHT THAT MAYBE YOU WOULD BE OVERLY COMPETITIVE,  
CAT: sO WE DECIDED WE WOULD MAYBE TRY A GAME WITHOUT OBVIOUS REWARDS,  
CAT: oR POWER RANKS,  
CAA: and y0ur class’s p0wers aren’t relevant here  
CAA: we all have exactly the same am0unt of p0wer  
CAA: regardless 0f whether we wield wizardry 0r just 0ur minds  
CCA: but if there are no levvels  
CCA: then wwhat is the point  
CAT: tHERE IS NO REAL POINT, i DON’T THINK,  
CAT: wE JUST PRETEND TO BE OTHER PEOPLE,  
CAT: aND SORT OF COLLABORATE TO MAKE A STORY,  
CAT: fOR FUN,  
CAT: bECAUSE WE ARE FRIENDS,  
CCC: Come on, -Eridan, you are ----EMBARRASSING us!  
CCC: Me and Tavros )(ad to really stick our gills out so that you would be allowed to come )(ere.  
CCC: You )(aven’t exactly been very trustwort)(y around roleplaying in t)(e past!  
CCA: sorry fef  
CCA: i am tryin but its hard  
CCA: roleplayin is hard and i dont think i really understand  
CAT: iT’S OKAY,  
CAT: i THINK WE CAN HELP YOU GET IT,  
CAT: iF YOU ARE WILLING TO TRY,  
CCA: at this point i wwill try anythin  
CAT: oKAY, mAYBE WE CAN RESTART FROM WHEN YOU FOUND OUT ABOUT THE OTHER WIZARD,  
CAT: uP UNTIL THEN I THINK YOU WERE DOING KIND OF OKAY,  
CAT: aND MAYBE LET SOMEONE ELSE DO SOMETHING,  
CAT: bECAUSE IT’S NOT A VERY FUN STORY IF YOU JUST BEAT THE VILLAIN SO EASILY,  
CAT: i DON’T THINK,  
CCA: okay  
CAT: rOSE, wHY DON’T YOU TRY SOMETHING,  
CAT: i MEAN, iF YOU WANT,  
CTT: I would be happy to.  
CTT: The Special Investigator is extremely distressed at the news.  
CTT: She reaches into her pouch of artifacts collected over a lifetime of study and draws out a number of mystical charms.  
CTT: She believes they will shield the party from the blackhearted wizard’s eldritch sight.  
CCA: hey  
CCC: No, --Eridan, the OT)(---ER wizard!  
CCA: oh  
CAC: :33 < *the mighty huntress takes her feline form*  
CAC: :33 < *she enters the woods, jumping from one tree to another*  
CAT: oKAY, sEE, tHIS IS GOOD,  
CAT: eVERYONE IS WORKING AS A TEAM AND HAVING FUN,  
CAT: wHICH I THINK IS SORT OF WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT,  
CCA: i guess i...followw  
CCA: is that right  
CAA: it is a g00d start  
CAA: i think we will all f0ll0w  
CAA: while checking carefully f0r traps 0r ambushes  
CAT: vERY CLEVER,  
CAT: bECAUSE YOU HAVE SUCH A GOOD SCOUT AND YOU ARE BEING SO CAREFUL,  
CAT: yOU NOTICE A GROUP OF GOBLINS CAMPED OUT AND WAITING FOR YOU,  
CCA: i jump out and use my powwers of science to kill  
CCA: some a them  
CCA: i guess  
CGG: the brave explorer will scamper in-between two bushes  
CGG: and fire her gun  
CCG: *pew pew*  
CAA: the peasant girl n0tices that the g0blins unwisely left a c0ntainer 0f black p0wder near the open flame  
CAA: she t0sses an apple t0wards it pushing it int0 the fire and scattering burning embers 0n the creatures  
CAC: :33 < *and the feline huntress pounces from a top branch to kill the last one!*  
CAC: :33 < *she then drinks his blood, which is delicious*  
CTT: The Investigator stands by calmly while watching her party slaughter the enemies.  
CTT: Once the gruesome spectacle has run its course, she moves forward to search through the corpses for any special orders or other clues.  
CAT: oKAY, yOU DON’T REALLY FIND ANYTHING,  
CAT: yOU THINK THAT MAYBE THOSE WEREN’T SPECIAL TROOPS,  
CAT: bUT JUST SOME RANDOM HENCHMEN,  
CCA: i wwill use my wwhite powwers to givve us the guise a these goblins  
CCC: ----Eridan!  
CCA: wwas that wwrong  
CCC: No!  
CCC: T)(at was good!!!!  
CAT: oKAY, WITH THESE DISGUISES YOU,  
CAT: gET RIGHT INTO THE TOWER EAISLY, i GUESS,  
CAT: aND FORTUNATELY FOR YOU, tHE WIZARD IS ON THE FIRST FLOOR,  
CAT: wONDERING WHY YOU ARE HERE,  
CAT: tHINKING YOU ARE HIS MINIONS,  
CAT: aND NOT AN ADVENTURING PARTY,  
CCC: The sea enc)(antress sings )(er song, summoning t)(e creatures of the deep to )(elp!  
CAT: uHHHH, fEFERI, i HAVE EXPLAINED THIS BEFORE,  
CAT: yOU CAN’T SUMMON YOUR SEA FRIENDS LIKE THAT,  
CAT: sEA CREATURES TEND NOT TO BE VERY USEFUL ON LAND,  
CAT: uHHH, pRESENT COMPANY EXCLUDED,  
CCC: FIN------------E!  
CGG: before the wizard is alerted the explorer fires her gun at his wand!  
CAT: tHAT IS A GOOD IDEA,  
CAT: eXCEPT THAT THE BULLET BOUNCESS OFF OF A MAGICAL SHIELD AROUND THE WAND,  
CAT: aNY GOOD WIZARD WOULD HAVE ONE OF THOSE, oF COURSE,  
CCA: and for unrelated reasons can wwe wwrap this up quickly  
CCA: i suddenly remembered somethin i havve to do  
CTT: As you like.  
CTT: The inspector pulls an ancient amulet from her bag.  
CTT: She suggests that the white wizard join her in matching magics with his darker counterpart.  
CCA: gladly  
CAT: yOU, uHHHH, lOCK POWERS WITH EACH OTHER,  
CAT: aND ARE PRETTY EVENLY MATCHED,  
CGG: luckily those two are not the entire party!  
CGG: the explorer invites the huntress to join her in keeping minions out of the room  
CAC: :33 < *the huntress happily joins her in this purrsuit!*  
CAA: and i supp0se it is left t0 the peasant t0 chuck s0mething at the dark wizard  
CAA: disrupting his c0ncentrati0n and leading him t0 l0se the spell duel  
CAT: yES, aLL RIGHT,  
CAT: hE IS TURNED TO ASH BY YOUR COMBINED POWERS,  
CAT: aND THE RING FALLS TO THE FLOOR,  
CAT: gOOD JOB EVERYBODY,  
CGG: yay, tavros!  
CGG: that was fun!  
CCA: holy mackerel!  
CCA: is this what you guys havve been doin all along  
CAT: wELL, yES,  
CAA: pretty much  
CCA: wwell i like it  
CCA: can wwe do it again sometime  
CCC: Y--------ES!!!  
CCC: -----ERIDAN, you finally understand the spirit of roleplaying!!!  
CCA: i lovve you guys  
CCC: Don’t push it ---Eridan!  
CCA: yeah okay  
CAC: :33 < *good job, everybody  
CAC: :33 < *the pouncellor says it is time to say goodbye!  
CAC: :33 < s33 you all next time!***

 **CAC closed memo.**


	8. Do what you want, do what you must

John didn’t know it, but he was about to receive a nice little power-up, courtesy of his dear old friend Vriska. She had guided him through the village full of salamanders and tolerated his stupidly adorable antics. But eventually he’d found his way to the Quest Bed. Bless his gullible little heart. Now all Vriska had to do was get him killed, and then he would ascend to god tier. Once that was done, even he would be able to blunder his way through the challenges of the game and whatever the White Text Guy cared to throw at her.

The method of murder was most elegant. She snagged a wandering agent of Derse and directed him to a nearby source of prey. An enemy, she told him. A player – defenseless, sleeping. A commendation in store for him if he could take advantage of the moment.

It should have been flawless.

And yet just before he could actually ascend the staircase, the agent stopped. His mind was suddenly filled with fear and he ran, resisting further influence.

Vriska did not allow that to stop her. She snagged an Ogre, filling its mind with images of an unprotected human.

And was immediately countered with images of hurricane-force winds rising up to break bones and sweep away enemies. The ogre was lost to her.

But now she knew whom to blame.

 **arachnidsGrip [AG]** began trolling **adiosToreador [AT]**

 **  
AG: Tavros, what do you think you’re doing?!  
AT: i THINK THAT I AM PROTECTING SOMEONE WHO IS ASLEEP,  
AT: fROM MONSTERS,  
AT: wHICH I THINK IS A HELPFUL THING TO DO,  
AG: Cut it out, Torealoser.  
AG: I have something planned, and you are getting mixed into it.  
AG: I really don’t want to have to get you out of the way.  
AT: nO,  
AT: i THINK THAT YOU WANT TO HURT JOHN,  
AT: fOR SOME REASON,  
AT: eVEN THOUGH I THOUGHT YOU KIND OF LIKED HIM,  
AT: wHICH MEANS, i THINK, tHAT I HAVE TO PROTECT HIM FROM YOU,  
AG: Wow.  
AG: That seems like a loooooooot of unwarranted confidence on your part.  
AT: nO, i AM NOT BEING CONFIDENT,  
AT: jUST BECAUSE I AM STANDING UP TO YOU DOES NOT MEAN CONFIDENCE IS WHAT IS TAKING PLACE HERE,  
AG: Well, at least you’re honest with yourself.  
AG: So now scurry away like a gooooooood little spineless wimp and let me do my jo8.  
AT: nO, yOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND,  
AT: i AM SAYING THAT CONFIDENCE IS NOT THE ONLY THING THAT CAN LET YOU DO A THING THAT YOU ARE SCARED TO DO,  
AT: lIKE NOW I AM NOT FEELING CONFIDENT AT ALL, bUT I AM STILL NOT GOING TO LET YOU KILL ONE OF JADE’S FRIENDS,  
AT: aND, i GUESS, oNE OF MY FRIENDS TOO,  
AT: sO I AM NOT GOING TO ABSCOND,  
AT: aND ALSO NOT ADVANCE,  
AT: i AM JUST GOING TO STAY RIGHT HERE,  
AT: aND BLOCK YOUR PROGRESS,  
AG: Very clever!  
AG: Except........  
AG: You forgot that I can just control you and have you finish the job yourself!  
AT: nO, yOU CAN’T,  
AG: Oh, reaaaaaaaaly?  
AG: It seemed to work pretty well in the past.  
AG: Are you sure you haven’t been getting more confident?  
AG: Completely sure?  
AT: i AM PRETTY CONFIDENT THAT I AM NOT CONFIDENT,  
AT: bUT CONFIDENCE, i THINK, hAS LIMITS,  
AT: yOU ARE THE MOST CONFIDENT PERSON OF US ALL,  
AT: bUT WHEN THE DEMON SHOWED UP, yOU DID NOT FIGHT HIM,  
AT: yOU RAN AWAY WITH THE REST OF US,  
AT: i THINK THAT IS BECAUSE THE PART OF YOU THAT IS AFRAID IS SOMETIMES RIGHT,  
AT: aND YOU REALLY CAN’T DO SOMETHING NO MATTER HOW CONFIDENT YOU ARE,  
AT: sO MAYBE INSTEAD OF TRYING TO DO IT, yOU CAN FIND A BETTER WAY,  
AG: Oh?  
AG: And just what is this better way of yours?  
AT: iT IS AN ANTI-MIND CONTROL HELMET,  
AG: Li8s!  
AG: You could n8ver gener8 something like that!  
AT: nO,  
AT: tHE PSYCHIC POWERS SUBCOMMITTEE WILL MAKE IT IN THE FUTURE,  
AT: wHICH YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU ACTUALLY SHOWED UP TO THE MEETINGS LIKE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO,  
AG: In case you haven’t noticed, I have 8een a little 8it 8usy here!  
AT: oKAY, bUT THE ACTUAL POINT IS,  
AT: aFTER THEY MAKE IT, tHEY WILL SEND IT BACK TO ME,  
AT: bECAUSE THEY DON’T TRUST YOU,  
AG: W8, really? Is this for real?  
AT: yES,  
AT: uHHH,  
AT: sORRY,  
AG: What the Hell, Tavros? It’s not like you to orchestr8 something so ela8orate.  
AT: wELL, i DID NOT REALLY ORCHESTRATE ANYTHING,  
AT: i JUST WENT AND ASKED SOMEONE FOR HELP, bECAUSE,  
AT: i WAS KIND OF SCARED THAT YOU WOULD TRY SOMETHING LIKE THIS,  
AT: eVEN THOUGH WE ARE ALREADY IN A DOOMED SESSION,  
AT: sO YOU DON’T REALLY NEED TO MAKE THINGS ANY WORSE,  
AG: I’m not making them worse, you m8r8n!  
AG: I am makin8 them 8etter!!!!!!!!  
AG: Listen, I’ll level with you.  
AG: For reasons I don’t want to go into right now, John is in a lot of danger.  
AG: So if he’s going to succeed in his missi8n, he will need every advantage he can get.  
AT: oKAY, iN THAT CASE WHY DON’T YOU WAKE HIM UP,  
AT: aND THEN WE CAN MAYBE MESSAGE HIM AND EXPLAIN ALL THIS TO HIM,  
AT: aND IF HE AGREES THAT ASCENDING TO THE GOD TIER IS MORE IMPORTANT TO HIM THAN HAVING A DREAMSELF,  
AT: tHEN YOU CAN MAKE HIM SLEEP AGAIN AND KILL HIM,  
AT: iF THAT’S WHAT HE WANTS,  
AG: That won’t work!  
AG: And you know very well it won’t work, because the reason it won’t work is that John is the same kind of w88ni8 you are  
AG: except that he h8s someone to make him better.  
AG: Just like you could have had, expc8pt that you rejected her and wanted to just k88p on 8eing a loser forever!  
AG: I h8 you, Tavros!  
AG: h8 h8 h8!  
AG: h88888888!!!!!!!!  
AT: sORRY, bUT I, uHHH, dON’T HATE YOU BACK,  
AT: nOT REALLY,  
AT: aND I DEFINITELY THINK THAT JOHN IS THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO MAKE THIS DECISION,  
AT: aND NOT YOU,  
AT: sO I WILL KEEP BLOCKING YOU,  
AT: uNLESS JOHN TELLS ME TO STOP,  
AT: sORRY,  
**

 **adiosToreador [AT]** stopped being trolled by **arachnidsGrip [AG]**

Vriska took a moment to ponder whether she could just take Tavros down. Fly over to his location, knock him out, break his stupid helmet, and go back to helping John.

No, she decided. With Gamzee out there, the trolls were confined to extremely close quarters, so the others would see her. And they’d take his side, of course. Like anyone would ever take her side. And she couldn’t handle all of them, god-tier or no. With everyone jumping on her at once, losing would not be considered particularly unlucky.

She tried overcoming Tavros in the mental arena, but couldn’t manage it. She was of course by far the more inventive manipulator. But everyone was just more inclined to listen to Tavros. Everyone without exception. Something about the dumb little innocent way of his made him seem trustworthy - as if he wouldn’t let them down the second they tried to rely on him!

And then the dog came. The dumb mutt of a First Guardian from the kids’ pathetic Earth. She could never believe the sheer unfairness of it – somehow they got the lovable animal while she got the infuriatingly omniscient manipulator.

It was being guided by Tavros, of course. He was good at getting through to lower intellects. One wave of its tail, and John was away from the bed to which she so generously guided him and down in his own stupid human hive. She had failed.

A8ain.


	9. Let the beats flow

**ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering adiosToreador [AT]**

 **  
EB: hi, tavros!   
AT: hELLO, jOHN,  
AT: hOW MAY I HELP YOU,   
EB: you sort of ran out of our last conversation before we could finish.   
AT: i JUST FELT LIKE MAYBE WE WERE ENTERING A PLACE WHERE I,  
AT: wAS ABOUT TO REGRET SAYING THINGS MORE THAN I WOULD NOT SAYING THEM,   
EB: heh.  
EB: maybe you were!  
EB: but you seem a lot calmer now, so maybe we can talk?   
AT: mAYBE,  
AT: wAIT,  
AT: yOUR COMPUTER IS NOT PROJECTING ANYTHING HOLOGRAPHICALLY, iS IT,   
EB: no, not really.  
EB: do you want it to?   
AT: nO,  
AT: iT MEANS WE CAN TALK, i THINK,  
AT: aLTHOUGH IF WE DO IT WOULD BE NICE IF YOU, uHHHH, dIDN'T MAKE FUN OF ME,  
AT: eVEN THOUGH I SAID SOMETHING I SHOULDN’T HAVE,   
EB: you didn’t say anything bad, tavros!  
EB: jade is a cool girl and if you like her, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.   
AT: yES, bUT,  
AT: uHHH,  
AT: nEVER MIND,   
EB: although i guess this really flies in the face of karkat’s chart.   
AT: kARKAT MADE A CHART,   
EB: it is a work of art.  
EB: but now it’s getting all up in my matchmaking.  
EB: bluh!   
AT: mATCHMAKING,  
AT: iS THIS A THING THAT YOU DO,   
EB: oh yeah.  
EB: i am the master matchmaker.  
EB: it’s me.   
AT: rEALLY,   
EB: of course i am no match for karkat’s diagram, which clearly designates jade as being with dave.  
EB: can’t go against the shipping chart, bro!  
EB: sorry.   
AT: wHAT IF,  
AT: i GOT MY FRIEND TO PAINT ME AND JADE ON HER SHIPPING WALL,   
EB: what.   
AT: aND THEN SHE COULD MAYBE PAINT TEREZI AND DAVE IN THE REDROM TOO,  
AT: i THINK SHE WOULD LIKE THAT BECAUSE,  
AT: iT WOULD LEAVE KARKAT’S FLUSHED QUADRANT WIDE OPEN,  
AT: fOR HER PREFERRED OTP,  
AT: wHICH I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY WHAT IT IS,   
EB: hm. you make a persuasive argument.  
EB: but dave is my friend.  
EB: but i guess you are too.  
EB: but then again dave saved my life.  
EB: but you did that too!   
AT: i DON’T THINK IT IS THE SAME THING,  
AT: sINCE YOU WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN DEAD DEAD,  
AT: aND IN FACT YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE POWERFUL,   
EB: yeah, i know vriska meant well,  
EB: but i think you did too!  
EB: and i don’t know if i want to ascend that way just yet!  
EB: maybe at a time like this, the ability to come back from the dead is more valuable than some extra power.  
EB: i am not really ready to decide.   
AT: i THINK THAT BEING ABLE TO DECIDE,  
AT: wHETHER YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING,  
AT: eVEN IF THAT SOMETHING WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER,  
AT: iS IMPORTANT,   
EB: yeah, exactly!  
EB: but back to the matter at hand:  
EB: i just cannot decide where i should stand in this!  
EB: or which fleet i should sail with  
EB: in this ship to ship combat.   
AT: sO YOU ARE SAYING,  
AT: tHAT IF I PROVED MYSELF TO YOU,  
AT: tHEN YOU WOULD MAYBE GET ON MY SHIP,  
AT: aND FIRE MY METAPHORICAL CANNONS,  
AT: iN THE SPIRIT OF THIS NAVAL METAPHOR,   
EB: haha, maybe!  
EB: not that i control who jade does or does not like, of course!   
AT: nO, oF COURSE NOT,  
AT: bUT, i THINK IT WOULD BE AN HONOR,  
AT: tO HAVE YOU SAIL WITH ME,  
AT: aND I THINK THAT I KNOW HOW WE CAN SETTLE THIS,   
EB: okay i'm listening.   
AT: tRADITIONALLY, a CONFLINCT BETWEEN FRIENDS,  
AT: oR JUST PEOPLE WHO SORT OF DON’T WANT TO REALLY HURT EACH OTHER, i GUESS,  
AT: bUT STILL NEED TO RESOLVE AN ISSUE,  
AT: wOULD BE SETTLED ON THE FIELD OF A SLAM POETRY BATTLE,   
EB: hopy shit.  
EB: you want to have a rap-off  
EB: against dave?   
AT: i THINK THAT IS THE THING THAT I WANT,  
AT: iF THAT WOULD ENTICE YOU TO JOIN MY ARMADA,   
EB: okay.  
EB: i think i can speak for dave when i say you are on.  
EB: we are doing this, man.   
AT: wE ARE MAKING THIS HAPPEN,  
AT: iS THAT RIGHT,   
EB: hell yeah!   
**

**ectoBiologist [EB] stopped pestering adiosToreador [AT]**

 **CEB RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY.**

 **CEB: oh, snap!  
CEB: it is the rap battle of the century!  
CEB: we are about to have the best rap-off in the history of paradox space  
CEB: with beats so strict they make mary poppins look permissive.  
CEB: in this corner it is dave!  
CTG: ‘sup  
CEB: and in this other corner is tavros!  
CAT: i HAVE BEEN WORKING VERY HARD,  
CAT: aND ALSO I HAVE PREPARED MORE NOTES,  
CAT: aND ORGANIZED THEM BETTER,  
CAT: aND I HOPE IT IS OKAY THAT,  
CAT: i ASKED MY FRIENDS FOR ADVICE,  
CAT: aBOUT THE SUBJECTS I COULD DO SLAM POETRY ON,  
CTG: yeah that’s fine  
CEB: oho!  
CEB: it sounds like the emotions are running wild!  
CEB: (seriously guys, help me out here, this is supposed to be more exciting.)  
CAT: sORRY, bUT THIS PART IS NOT IN MY NOTES,  
CAT: mAYBE WE COULD JUST SKIP AHEAD A LITTLE,  
CEB: fine, if you want.  
CEB: we now introduce our fine judges!  
CEB: here all the way from the furthest corners of the paradox space!  
CEB: it’s rose!  
CURRENT TentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTT: It’s a pleasure to be here, John.  
CEB: and kanaya!  
CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGA: I Would Appreciate A Good Clean Slam Battle  
CEB: and last but not least, the mysterious third judge!  
CURRENT terminallyCapricious [CTC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCT: what’s up, motherfuckers?  
CCT: IT’S TIME TO KICK IT.  
CTG: wait what the hell  
CTG: why is the psycho judging this  
CTT: While Kanaya and I have no vested interest in the outcome, it is nevertheless true that I am primarily your friend, while she is primarily Tavros’s.  
CGA: We Needed A Third Judge Who Would Hopefully Be Totally Impartial While Understanding Enough About The Art Of Slam Poetry To Be Qualified To Decide Winners And Losers  
CCT: naturally, they thought of me.  
CCT: KNEEL BEFORE YOUR JUDGE, MOTHERFUCKER.  
CTG: okay whatever  
CTG: i can work with that  
CTG: turn up whatever sick beats you want  
CTG: because i am about to cut loose  
CAT: bRING IT ON, bROMOSAPIEN,  
Challenge accepted.  
CTG: you want it you got it  
CTG: consider it brought  
CTG: we’ll see who’ll be getting whose goat  
I am Doc Scratch and I am here to say:  
CTG: cause i'm chillin and wheelin and dealin in here  
CTG: surrounded by lava and fucking huge gears  
CTG: rotating like my turntables turn after turn  
CTG: where having a dozen daves is now the new norm  
This is a ridiculous activity.  
CTG: not that the norms mean much in the medium  
CTG: where we are pretty far from all tedium  
CTG: used to spend all day drinking juice  
CTG: dropping some sick beats then hitting the hay  
CTG: but then we started to play and without delay  
CTG: except to complete the relay now there’s no more gray  
You must stop this frivolity  
CTG: now i rap with an orange bird who is me but with more depression  
CTG: and without repression i fight the dersian oppression  
CTG: in this doomed session  
CTG: born from paradox slime i'm the master of time and can rhyme on a dime  
And accept my superiority.  
CTG: along with the seer who’s forgotten more than you knew  
CTG: and the heir who’s a dork and still cooler than you  
CTG: and the witch who’s a stitch and as funky as i’m rich  
CTG: here with hammers and swords and needles and guns  
CTG: we’re kicking it and lightening moods with in-jokes and puns  
The endgame cannot be prevented.  
CTG: and then along come a dozen interlopers  
CTG: interdimensional interloculators over the internet interface  
CTG: monopolizing my beats and my attention  
CTG: requiring all my wordplay and concatenation  
This timeline will be ended.  
CTG: one with shitty drawings and a seeing eye nose  
CTG: one erudite with a huge crush on rose  
CTG: one angry asshole not worth it to me  
CTG: one creepy motherfucker who’s a better rapper than you’ll ever be  
You are all about to face your doom.  
CTG: but of all the troll race the one most in my face  
CTG: is the one who would embrace the home base  
CTG: in this baseball metaphor if you know the sport  
CTG: and we’re about to have an after action report  
This universe will become your tomb.  
CTG: about hankering for bone and stick hard as stone  
CTG: behind every groan there is a moan and we’re taking a loan  
CTG: from the bank to buy a house and two point five kids  
CTG: to forget this session exists and move on to the bliss  
CTG: unless of course i miss  
CTG: my guess and you’re not here for throbbing trombone  
I see all, I know all, I do what I must.  
CTG: but i think that falls outside the realm of possibility  
CTG: so maybe we’ll abandon this hostility  
CTG: and open up a spigot on the sea of tranquility  
CTG: and get rid of all banalities and trivialities  
CTG: as we prepare to share ourselves in commonality  
Your puny lives are little more than dust.  
CTG: that was the beat that you said to bring on  
CTG: and now grasshopper it is your turn  
There is no use in struggling.  
CAT: dAVE, wHY WOULD YOU EVEN DO THIS,  
CAT: lOOK AT ALL THE LIES YOU’VE SPREAD,  
CAT: dON’T YOU KNOW IT’S A CRIME,  
CAT: tO BE WASTING MY TIME,  
CAT: wITH, iNADEQUATE RHYME,  
CAT: aND IN ALTERNIA WE HAVE NO TOLERANCE,  
CAT: yOU’LL HANG BY YOUR NECK TILL YOU’RE DEAD,  
Your fates are already sealed.  
CAT: i HAD A LOOK AT SOME DICTIONARIES,  
CAT: aND I THINK I UNDERSTAND YOUR IMPLICATIONS NOW,  
CAT: aND, dAVE, i HAVE TO TELL YOU,  
CAT: iT WILL TAKE MUCH MORE TO GET ME DOWN,  
CAT: bECAUSE,  
CAT: iN ALTERNIA WE HAVE NO WORD FOR HOMOSEXUAL,  
CAT: wE REALLY DON’T CARE ABOUT STUFF LIKE THAT,  
CAT: sEE, iNSULTS HAVE TO BE CONTEXTUAL,  
CAT: aND, nOT PULLED OUT OF A HAT,  
The best course would be to yield.  
CAT: cLEARLY, yOU NEED TO BE LESS MYOPIC,  
CAT: aND MAYBE TAKE A WALK ON ALTERNIAN SIDE,  
CAT: aND IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE DOING THAT, dAVE,  
CAT: tHEN LET THIS MOTHERFUCKING TROLL BE YOUR GUIDE,  
Or else you’ll fall and burn  
CAT: sO LET ME PAINT YOU A PICTURE,  
CAT: iN PAINTS MADE FROM CULLED WIGGLER BLOOD,  
CAT: bECAUSE,  
CAT: tHAT IS THE SORT OF THING WE DO IN ALTERNIA,  
CAT: aND, i WON’T SHY AWAY FROM THIS CRUD,  
Beneath the powers that I wield.  
CAT: yOU WON’T LAST TWO MINUTES HERE,  
CAT: oNCE THE TROLLS ARE OUT TO PLAY,  
CAT: yOU CAN’T HANDLE ANY OF WHAT,  
CAT: wE DO EVERY SINGLE DAY,  
My master is already here.  
CAT: hERE THERE ARE SOME WICKED WAYS TO DIE,  
CAT: lIKE A CLOWN THAT’S JUST RUN OUT OF PIE,  
CAT: oR HAVE A CHAINSAW TAKEN TO YOUR LEGS,  
CAT: dON’T TELL ME THAT DIDN’T MAKE YOU CRINGE FOR A SEC,  
Everything is arranged.  
CAT: hERE IN ALTERNIA THE FAUNA IS SAVAGE,  
CAT: mUSCLEBEAST BY NIGHT, aND UNDEAD BY DAY,  
CAT: i CAN MAYBE COMMUNE,  
CAT: bUT YOU, dAVE, aRE DOOMED,  
CAT: aND YOUR SKIN FROM YOUR BONES THEY WILL FLAY,  
Your scrabbling dance of life is over.  
CAT: yOU CAN TRY TO PLAY A GAME AROUND HERE,  
CAT: aND HAVE SOMETHING BURST FROM YOUR CHEST,  
CAT: eAT YOUR EYES FROM YOUR FACE,  
CAT: tHEN SETTLE DOWN TO SLEEP,  
CAT: bECAUSE IT HAS YOUR LUNGS TO DIGEST,  
It’s time to yield your place  
CAT: yOU MIGHT GET CULLED BY SOMEONE,  
CAT: fOR BEING MUCH TOO WEAK,  
CAT: oR MAYBE YOU’LL GO FISHING,  
CAT: aND CATCH GL’BGOLYB,  
While you have time enough to save face.  
CAT: yOUR FISHING NETS WILL GRAB,  
CAT: a TENTACLE OR TRILLION,  
CAT: aND, mAYBE AFTERWARDS,  
CAT: hE’LL HAVE SOME HUMAN BOULLION,  
Let’s just get back to the main plot.  
CAT: aND IF YOU SURVIVE SUCH CASUAL DANGERS,  
CAT: yOU’LL STILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR FRIENDS,  
CAT: wHO’LL TRAP YOU IN A LOOP OF REVENGE,  
CAT: aND YOU’LL FIGHT THEM FOREVER,  
CAT: oVER, aND OVER, aND OVER AGAIN,  
We must cut off this unnecessary line.  
CAT: yOU MIGHT BE THROWN OFF A CLIFF,  
CAT: oR BE LEFT CRIPPLED, oR BLIND,  
CAT: yOU MIGHT LOSE AN ARM AND AN EYE,  
CAT: oR BE DRIVEN OUT OF YOUR MIND,  
I suppose that responsibility will be mine.  
CAT: yOU’LL BE HAUNTED BY GHOSTS OF YOUR PAST,  
CAT: yOU’LL BE FORCED TO KILL YOUR BEST FRIEND,  
CAT: yOU’LL BE CAUGHT WITHIN A COSMIC BLAST,  
CAT: yOU’LL NEVER KNOW PEACE,  
CAT: tHERE ISN’T AN END,  
Which, I suppose, is just fine.  
CAT: sO, tHAT IS THE SORT OF THING WE DO AROUND HERE,  
CAT: wHICH IS WHY YOUR RHYME IS SO WEAK, sO WE’RE CLEAR,  
CAT: cOME BACK AFTER YOU’VE GOT SOME EXPERIENCE, sON,  
CAT: bECAUSE FOR THE MOMENT,  
CAT: wE ARE VERY MUCH DONE,  
You simply can’t beat my rhyme.  
CCT: dave, you got served.  
CTC: TAVROS, I’LL KILL YOU LAST.  
CGA: The Sentiments Expressed By Tavros Spoke To Me  
CGA: He Is Awarded My Judgment  
CTT: Sorry, Dave, but the decision is unanimous.  
CTT: Tavros is the winner of this Slam Poetry Battle.  
CAT: a WINNER,  
CAT: iS ME,  
I was cheated.**

 **CAT closed memo.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tavros was wearing an admiral's hat for the whole duration of the rap-off.


	10. Idle Paws

Nepeta crawled through the vents. Of all the trolls, she alone possessed the agility and determination necessary to master the labyrinthine network, bypassing the unnecessarily convoluted passages below and eschewing the need for the clumsy transportalizers that never took you where you wanted them to anyway!

Like any fearsome alien, she could not be deterred from her goal. The mighty feline forged ever onward, always getting closer to what she was seeking. And nothing and no-one could give her pause.

 **  
AA: and where d0es the kitty think shes g0ing   
**

Unless of course they could teleport under their own power. Busted!

 **  
AC: :33 < uh, hi, aradia!  
AC: :33 < *ac just needs to update her shipping wall really quickly!*   
AA: equius warned y0u t0 stay put  
AA: gamzee is still 0ut here and y0u might get hurt   
AC: :33 < *but it would be really quick!   
AA: listen t0 y0ur m0irail nepeta  
AA: return t0 y0ur pr0per l0cati0n   
AC: :33 < *ac ruffles her fur and stretches out her claws!*   
AA: nepeta if i have t0 carry y0u back by the scruff 0f y0ur c0llar i will   
AC: :33 < *ac backs down in the face of the robot girl’s supurrior pawer*   
AA: g00d kitten  
AA: n0w c0me 0n  
AA: we sh0uld get back   
**

In exchange for swift cooperation, Nepeta didn’t have to suffer the humiliation of being carried by her neck. She was, however, caught within Aradia’s psychic hold as they zipped back to the common rooms. And when Aradia floated them down, resealing the vent entrance as she went through, Nepeta remained suspended in the air.

The pretty little kitty was in a lot of trouble.

 **  
AA: equius i f0und nepeta in the duct system   
**   


The enormous troll boy turned his head, leaving the half-finished robot aside for a while. Nepeta could feel his eyes bore into her even through his glasses. Considering the silly things were about a quarter of an inch thick, that was saying something.

 **  
CT: D -- > Nepeta!  
CT: D --> How c001d you be so f001ish?  
CT: D --> What if something had happened to you?  
CT: D --> I w001d never have forgiven myself  
AC: :33 < *ac looks down sheepishly, i mean kittishly*  
AC: :33 < *she explains that she didn’t mean to worry equius, but she really n33ds some privacy to update her shipping wall!*  
CT: D --> Nepeta, no  
CT: D --> The clown c001d well be waiting for you  
CT: D --> You are perfectly capable of simply remembering your ships of choice until the present predicament has been dealt with  
CT: D --> Now promise me you will not leave our quarters again  
AC: :33 < *ac doesn’t  
CT: D --> Promise, nepeta  
CT: D --> I command it  
AC: :33 < fine  
AC: :33 < i promise  
CT: D --> E%cellent  
CT: D --> Then I can return to work without further concern for your safety  
AA: n0t s0 fast  
CT: D --> Oh dear  
CT: D --> What is your concern with my intentions  
AA: just h0w l0ng have y0u been w0rking with0ut rest  
CT: D --> That is not important  
CT: D --> I am e%ceptionally STRONG and do not require the same amount of rest normal trolls do  
CT: D --> My skills are needed to secure a defensible perimeter  
AA: equius we have en0ugh r0b0ts  
AA: there are s0 many 0f them n0w we are alm0st getting cr0wded 0ut even th0ugh m0st 0f them are 0utside  
AA: if gamzee can take d0wn this many then d0ubling or even quadrupling the number will n0t have much 0f an effect  
AA: and y0u need rest just as much as any0ne  
CT: D --> Aradia, your concern for my wellbeing is endearing but f001ish  
CT: D --> I am perfectly capable of 100king after myself  
**

The robot girl’s red eyes narrowed.

 **  
AA: equius i am n0t 0kay with that   
**

One wave of her hand, and the mighty Equius joined his moirail in dangling helplessly in mid-air.

 **  
AA: i think its time f0r b0th 0f y0u t0 g0 t0 the r0b0t part pile and relax   
**

Another hand gesture and the two trolls flew across the room. Slowing down just before arriving at their destination, they were let down gently into comfortable positions. Aradia herself followed, setting down by Equius. He sighed in surrender and drew an arm around her shoulder.

 **  
AC: :33 < *ac asks if aradia could do the ameowsing thing she does to equius*   
AA: yes 0f c0urse  
AA: equius i am n0w c0unteracting ninety nine percent of y0ur right arm’s strength  
AA: y0u are cleared f0r head scratching   
**

Equius gave a smile. It was a creepy one, to be sure, but very sweet in its own way. His hand, surrounded by Aradia’s psychic shield, descended on Nepeta’s head and he ran his fingers over her hat and past her ears. No bruises to worry about.

Nepeta was happy.

She didn’t worry about being doomed or about Gamzee or whatever other mysterious forces were arraying themselves against the trolls and the humans. When she was like this, she felt completely safe. But not quite at peace. A burning desire to update the shipping wall still burned within her. But with her promise to Equius made, she could do little other than think about shipping.

So think about it she did.

In troll culture shipping carried connotations quite different from those inherent in human worldview. For a human, shipping was something of a guilty pleasure. For a troll, it was a solemn responsibility. The troll romances carried benefits much more immediate than pleasure or reproduction possibilities or even social status. A troll who couldn’t find concupiscient romance would soon be dead by the hand of an imperial drone. A troll who couldn’t find conciliatory romance would quite likely be dead by the hands of other trolls as uncontrolled emotions combined with unmediated conflicts to eventually make a few enemies too many. Shipping became, in the most literal way imaginable, a matter of life and death.

The four romances made the whole thing complex on a purely mathematical level. A human couple was a simple enough thing – once two humans were successfully paired off, the shipper was done. But every troll could have four partners - and possibly more, since a troll could hold multiple ashen relationships and each one held at least two other trolls in various capacities. An uncontrolled ship could create a network of romance that spanned the entire population, connecting every troll to every other troll. A shipper’s task was not only creating stable relationships, but doing so in a way that wouldn’t lead to a geometric increase in the number of people involved. A task made both simpler and more complicated by the fact that only twelve candidates remained. Sixteen if you counted the humans, as more and more trolls seemed to do.

Truly a challenge worthy of the best shipper in all of paradox space.

Nepeta went on to review the quadrants in her mind. The romance situation was still so woefully undeveloped. Didn’t everyone know those things should be settled properly? Hardly anyone seemed to be taking the situation as seriously as it deserved to be taken.

Equius continued scratching her head. It made her feel safe and happy and decided on the quadrant she would update first.

Moirallegiance

In many ways the strangest thing about this aspect of romance was the inherent imbalance. The two parties entering a flushed romance by definition sought and got different things from it. One troll gained an emotional restraint – the kind of person who gave them options other than homicidal rage with which to express their frustrations. The other troll gained a powerful protector to resolve problems which might need a proper application of violence. Moirallegiance was a balance of opposites.

As far as Nepeta was concerned, there simply weren’t enough moirails on this meteor! Come to think of it, her own moirallegiance with Equius was the only truly stable relationship of that sort she could think of. And that was quite a problem, since there were more than a few trolls in need of stabilizing - as well as several who needed some protection.

There had been several relationships active just before the start of the game, but they’d been torn apart - generally by ambitions towards the flushed quadrant. One of the chief difficulties in setting up moirails was all the people who just couldn’t appreciate a good cuddle in a pile or a frank discussion of feelings without wanting to bring kissing into it. That wasn’t what a moirail was for!

Nepeta’s ships just weren’t working out like they should have been. Gamzee<>Karkat had been her best hope, and that had recently gone south. She was considering reinstituting Kanaya<>Vriska now that the former had had her attention captured by the human girl and the latter by the street tough maverick with nothing to lose, but even she had to admit it was a bit of a long shot.

Making the whole thing worse were the various matespritships taking on tasks that would normally be reserved for moraillegiances. The effect Feferi had on Sollux, for instance. Or the way Aradia, while not looking for a moirail of her own, seemed to consider herself close to Nepeta. Such connections were not uncommon, but not exactly required either. Plenty of trolls kept their quadrants separate.

Nepeta was glad that was not the case this time.

But even though it hurt her little shipper heart, Nepeta was coming to the conclusion that no new relationships could be filled until a major social upheaval set things adrift again. But just then...

 **  
CA: hey spiderbitch i havve an issue to take up with you   
AG: Ugh.  
AG: What do you want, Eridan?   
CA: it has come to my attention that you havve been threatenin our human allies  
CA: and that furthermore you may be harborin thoughts of aggression against members a our own party   
AG: First off, I haven’t 8een threatening anyone.  
AG: May8e arranging a little machin8ion, 8ut as you would know if you looked in front of you...  
AG: Sometimes death can be for the 8est!  
AG: Anyway, what concern is any of this of yours?   
CA: not that i havve to tell you but i guess youvve fished it out of me  
CA: you wwill not evven think about inflictin harm on the humans  
CA: they are our best hope of rescuin ourselvves from this doomed timeline  
CA: and you certainly wwill not evven think of retribution against those wwho stop you from inflictin that harm  
CA: certainly not my neww moirail   
AG: Moirail? Oh, Gog!!!!!!!!  
AG: Eridan, are you actually trying to 8rag 8ecause you were finally a8le to fill one of your quadrants when the most pathetic troll in the universe took pity on you?  
AG: I am laughing so hard over here!  
AG: ::::D   
CA: yes wwell at least i succeeded in elicitin some kind a emotional response from him  
CA: if i am rememberin right you got rejected in evvery possible quadrant   
AG: Wow.  
AG: An insult that’s halfway competent!  
AG: Looks like Admiral Orphan Duelloser is finally growing a 8rain!  
AG: I always said you needed one.   
CA: yes wwell i alwways said you wwere a little cerebral marquise can’t control people of noble birth  
CA: the thing about being a one trick seapony is that when you fail you need someone there to shoot problems in the face until they go away  
CA: only you kid of scared awway anyone who might havve felt inclined to help you  
CA: sucks to be you i guess   
AG: Watch it, Eridan.  
AG: I have more than one trick.  
AG: Are you really sure your little glowing stick is enough to take on someone with the power of a god?   
CA: you dont havve to be particularly unlucky to havve your party wwhite mage cast somethin on you  
CA: remember that and stay awway from those under my protection   
AG: Eridan, you are as paaaaaaaathetic as ever!   
**

Well!

Nepeta had to admit she had not seen this one coming, mainly because she didn’t like to think about Eridan. But Eridan certainly needed someone to calm him down, and Tavros could probably use some protection. And admittedly the two boys had been hanging around each other a lot, what with roleplaying and the mysterious club...

Upon reflection, Nepeta decided it worked. Proper planning be damned, sometimes it’s the happy little surprises that really made a shipper’s day.

Of course there had been more to the dialogue than the clumsy declarations of a moirail new to his role. Eridan had, after all, been in an extremely long-lived moirallegiance before, and so would know there was no need to go out and openly threaten anyone who might harm the troll under his protection. Part of it had been bragging, yes. Now that Eridan had finally - finally - gotten someone to not reject him, he would make sure the world knew it. But another part had been flirting. Not content with one victory, Eridan still sought more. He hoped to perhaps reawaken the spark of an old rivalry - to discover romance in another of the elusive troll quadrants.

Kissmessitude

By far the most dangerous of troll romances. The tamer relations of this nature could be simple rivalries, perhaps even ones not unfriendly. But the truly burning caliginous romances - the ones that rose to the top of the slurry - were necessarily one step away from platonic hate. To be a kismesis was to walk a razor’s edge where a single mistake could mean one of the romantic partners would end up slitting the other’s throat.

Eridan was not the only one to seek such relationship with Vriska, of course, even if he was the one who approached it more directly. Every troll left alive had some grievance to settle with her, even if it was just a grudge over a friend of a friend. Nepeta herself was angry at her over all the trolls she’d killed or injured. And it was a short walk from platonic hate to romantic one.

But the difficulty with Vriska and blackrom was never the lack of suitors. It was the speed with which such conflicts escalated with her. If Eridan ever succeeded in getting her to hate him back, Nepeta was willing to give them about fourteen hours before one of them killed the other. Same thing with Aradia, only with time cut down to about twelve minutes. Vriska had a great deal of difficulty with the concept of hating someone without doing much about it. And when trolls had things done to them, they tended to do them right back.

Which is why Nepeta’s favorite ship was Terezi<}<Vriska. Terezi was the only one in their group who truly understood the true subtleties of black romance. Where the other trolls would use force, Terezi was the only one who could match Vriska with manipulation - without the use of psychic powers. It would be a duel in the shadows of the mind, and it would be so exciting oh yessssssss!

As for the other trolls, her ships were in chaos! Ever since the doom thing, everyone had been getting all mixed up. Eridan was acting calmly and hardly creepy at all! And Equius was getting all caught up in his commissions and positions. And timid little Tavros was standing up to people. And all of this on top of Gamzee doing a total perspective flip and becoming everyone’s largest threat. Still, she thought that perhaps Karkat and Kanaya could get something going with the way the Glorious Leader was growing more and more upset with the Chief Organizer’s activities. Perhaps if a few people were to mention how much they loved the committees, the conflict could escalate. Nepeta wondered idly if she had some favors to trade.

And in the meantime she listened in on another conversation as Eridan was intercepted by someone else.

 **  
GC: COM1NG ON JUST 4 L1TTL3 STRONG, 3R1D4N?  
GC: TH4T H4S 4LW4YS B33N YOUR PROBL3M.   
CA: i basically havve no use for your opinion  
CA: wwhy wwould you bother me   
GC: W3LL B3C4US3 1 H4V3 B33N WH3R3 YOU 4R3!  
GC: M1NUS TH3 CR33PY 4DV4NC3S, OF COURS3.  
GC: BUT 1 H4V3 4LSO TR13D TO G3T 1NTO 4 SP4T W1TH VR1SK4.  
GC: TH3 3XCH4NG3 W4S NOT P4RT1CUL4RLY 4DV4NT4G3OUS FOR 4NYON3.   
CA: wwhat is your point   
GC: TH3 PO1NT 1S TH4T VR1SK4 N33DS TO B3 H4NDL3D W1TH 4 L1TTL3 MOR3 F1N3SS3!  
GC: OTH3RW1S3 YOU 4ND H3R R34LLY W1LL 3ND UP DU3L1NG  
GC: 4ND TH3N ON3 OF YOU W1LL B3 D34D.   
CA: look just back off  
CA: this is my business and i wwont have you gettin mixed into it  
CA: unless you also wwant a taste of my wwand   
GC: OH, 3R1D4N!  
GC: 1 4M D3F1N1T3LY NOT 1NT3R3ST3D!   
CA: i dont care if youre interested or not  
CA: i wwill not hesitate to go through you  
CA: if that is wwhat it takes to keep hope alive   
GA: Perhaps I Could Be Of Some Assistance   
CA: sure kan  
CA: wwait do you mean assist me or her   
GA: Both Of You I Think  
GA: This Situation Is Rather Easily Resolved  
GA: I Have Some Logs Concerning Vriska You Should Both Take A Look At   
GC: 1 SM3LL 4 PLOT H4TCH1NG! >:]   
GA: Something Of That Nature May Indeed Be Happening  
GA: Ensuring There Is No Need For Anyone To Have Grand Duels  
GA: Especially Over The Matter Of Whether More Duels Are Appropriate   
**

****

Kanaya’s timely intervention was normalizing things. And that brought Nepeta to her next quadrant:

Auspisticism

An auspistice had two functions: preventing black infidelities and defusing platonic hate. The value of first was obvious; kissmessitude was torrid enough without any additional complications. The second quite simply prevented the formation of rivalries which, instead of providing genetic material, would simply end with someone dead. They certainly could have used a good auspistice back in the Flarping days. Perhaps if Kanaya had gotten involved, it would have all worked out. Kanaya was the best auspistice. The best.

While Nepeta had never been part of an ashen romance herself, she’d watched Equius go through several. Generally it began with one of his neighbors somehow insulting him. Where a normal noble might respond with a campaign of elaborate vengeance, Equius tended to simply chuck things out the window until the offending party sought out a mediator.

Nepeta loved her moirail, but she had to admit he had no sense of subtlety!

Of course, not every ashen romance ended up being such a short tryst, though many did. A number could grow into stable relationships, every bit as important as a moirallegiance. But the same factors which were making it difficult to get a stable kissmessitude going interfered with auspistism also. These days conflicts were mostly getting resolved by Karkat yelling the conflicting parties into line, which was not proper ashen romance at all!

Nepeta wanted to fume about that a while longer, but noticed an even graver situation:

Equius had stopped scratching her head.

She turned to chastise her moirail for that offense, before noticing he wasn’t doing much of anything anymore. His eyes were closed and the pose in which he was slumped over the pile was uncharacteristically relaxed, bereft of the casual tension that was generally visible even when he tried to rest.

The cause of the relaxation was immediately apparent. Aradia’s lips were by Equius’s ear, gently humming one of her fraymotifs. Although fairly upbeat in its normal incarnation, when slowed down about nine times it made a passable lullaby. It was all very sweet and a great example of what made so many long for the fourth and final quadrant.

Matespritship

It was not often given to trolls to feel happy. Anything that allowed that emotion to be experienced, even if only occasionally, was immensely valuable. A truly good matespritship - one as red as the petals of a thornflower, or better yet as red as the blood of a very handsome mutant - was certainly such a thing. A matesprit could provide things for a troll that even a moirail could not. And all that was required in return was a total surrender of every principle troll psychology rested on. All one had to do was make themselves completely vulnerable to someone else. A very wise woman in one of Karkat’s much touted romantic comedies compared the process to two needlebeasts getting close to each other. It was possible - but only provided both were willing to expose their soft underbellies. How different from kissmessitude, which was more like the same needlebeasts charging at each other with their spiny hides held at maximum prickliness!

And yet, in spite of its difficulties, the nectar of matespritship was very sweet. Perhaps it was understandable why it was the one quadrant that seemed to be getting taken seriously aboard this meteor.

Nepeta went over the ships in her brain.

Aradia<3Equius? Well, duh! You might as well doubt Equius<>Nepeta! The black flips had grown less frequent as Aradia got to know Equius better and discovered that underneath some of his idiosyncrasies he really was very sweet, which Nepeta could have told her if she’d just asked!

Feferi<3Sollux seemed to be established fact. But perhaps it would be good to just give it a listen with her cute little ears:

 **  
CC: And just w)(at do you t)(ink you’re up to?   
TA: Not now, FF.  
TA: ii appreciiate the interest but there ii2 two much work to be done.   
CC: Work, work, work.  
CC: T)(at’s all you seem to be up to lately.  
CC: More so than before!   
TA: our iimpendiing demii2e proviide2 uniique opportuniitiie2 for ATH programmiing  
TA: ii am tryiing to take advantage of that.   
CC: Well, be careful not to ex)(aust yourself.  
CC: --Equius is not t)( only one around )(ere w)(o is exceptionally STRONG you know!  
CC: And even )(e got thrown onto a pile.   
TA: you 2eem very happy about that thought.   
CC: I am ----EXCIT----ED about it!!!   
TA: of cour2e you are.  
TA: but the thiing about thii2 ii2 that a2 much as Eridan need2 two 2hut up about hope  
TA: he ii2 ba2iically riight.  
TA: fiightiing jack was one thiing  
TA: but wiith what we know now ii thiink we miight be able two take on metaphy2iic2.  
TA: and ii ju2t want two make 2ure we are a2 prepared a2 we could be  
TA: becau2e ii want two protect you.   
CC: AWW!  
CC: T)(at is so SW--EET!  
CC: Don’t worry about it  
CC: I will be protecting you right back!!  
CC: I t)(ink that we can ALL protect eac)( other now!  
CC: GLUB!!! 38)   
TA: glub.   
**

And then, the one she dreaded the most. Karkat<3Terezi. Was it still valid?

 **  
GC: H3H.   
CG: WHAT.   
GC: K4N4Y4 H4S B33N CLU31NG M3 1NTO SOM3 PR3TTY 1NT3R3ST1NG TH1NGS!  
GC: 1F YOU KN3W WH4T TH3Y W3R3 YOU WOULD B3 L4UGH1NG SO H4RD.   
CG: SURE. RUB IT IN WHY DON’T YOU.   
GC: 3XCUS3 M3?   
CG: LET’S ALL MAKE FUN OF KARKAT AND HOW HE DOESN’T KNOW ANYTHING!  
CG: I SWEAR, I’M LOSING CONTROL HERE.  
CG: AND IT’S NOT EVEN TO KANAYA.  
CG: IT’S MORE TO THIS CRAZY AMORPHOUS POWER STRUCTURE WITH NO CENTER.  
CG: ALL THESE BULLSHIT COMMITTEES USING PREDESTINATION TO BACK UP THEIR AUTHORITY  
CG: SO THAT I CAN’T EVEN GET THE GAMZEE HUNT GOING UNTIL ONE OF THE RAPPING ASSHOLES CHECKS IN AND TELLS ME TO.  
CG: OH, AND LET’S NOT FORGET THAT WE’RE ALL STILL FUCKING DOOMED OVER HERE!  
CG: SO EVEN IF WE GET GAMZEE IT’S JUST A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE SOMETHING ELSE KILLS US OR WE’RE ERASED FROM EXISTENCE OR SOMETHING.   
GC: W3LL!  
GC: LOOK WHO’S SUDD3NLY MR. N3G4T1V3.   
CG: NO, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
CG: NONE OF YOUR STUPID LITTLE NICKNAMES.  
CG: THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO MAKE THIS BETTER AND YOU ARE DESPICABLE FOR TRYING.   
GC: PL34S3, K4RK4T!  
GC: YOU 4CT 4S THOUGH 1 C4M3 H3R3 TO CH33R YOU UP.  
GC: FOR YOUR 1NFORM4T1ON TH4T W4S NOT MY 1NT3NT1ON 4T 4LL!  
GC: 1T JUST SO H4PP3NS TH4T 1 H4V3 GL34M3D MY P4RT 1N TH3 MYST3R1OUS PL4N TH4T W1LL S4V3 OUR SORRY 4SS3S!  
GC: 4ND NOW TH3 S33R OF M1ND H4S SOM3 M1ND S331NG TO DO!   
CG: WAIT, WHAT?  
CG: THEY TOLD YOU ABOUT THE PLAN?  
CG: NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT THE PLAN YET!  
CG: THIS IS JUST FUCKING GREAT.   
GC: R3L4X, K4RKL3S.  
GC: TH3R3 1S PL3NTY OF ROOM 1N TH3 PL4N FOR 3V3RYON3.  
GC: 1T 1S MY ROL3 TO S33 C3RT41N TH1NGS.  
GC: 1T 1S SOLLUX’S ROL3 TO M4K3 4 C3RT41N P13C3 OF COD3.  
GC: 1T 1S F3F3R1 4ND T4VROS’S ROL3 TO D1SCUSS C3RT41N 4RR4NG3M3NTS W1TH TH3 HORRORT3RRORS.  
GC: 3V3RYON3 G3TS 4 P4RT!   
CG: YEAH, WELL, WHAT’S MY PART SUPPOSED TO BE?   
GC: 1SN’T 1T CL34R?  
GC: YOUR ROL3 1S TO B3 ADOR4BLOODTH1RSTY L1K3 ALW4YS  
GC: 4ND Y3LL 4T 3V3RYON3 1N3FF3CTU4LLY!   
CG: STFU!   
GC: Y3S, JUST L1K3 TH4T! >:D  
GC: YOU W1LL T4K3 TO TH1S PL4N VERY W3LL.  
GC: 1 C4N GU4R4NT33 1T!   
**

****

Ha! Leave it to those two to go through a redrom that sounded exactly like a blackrom to an untrained ear. Much as she disliked the pairing, she was forced to acknowledge it for the moment, even if only as an obstacle to be overcome.

Kanaya was carefully left out of the calculations. At some point a dedicated shipper learned to recognize an unpredictable variable. If anyone at all could tell where Kanaya’s read affections lay at this point, it certainly wasn’t Nepeta!

The really big question on the table right now was the question of Tavros. Whyever did that boy have to give Nepeta so much trouble? She’d had her heart set on Tavros<3Dave. But then Tavros had come up to her personally and asked her to paint him with Jade.

Now, normally Nepeta would just inform him that the shipping wall bent for no man, not even one bearing a pretty little cat-eared sailor’s cap. But the enthusiasm he showed for the idea made Nepeta acknowledge the possibility of the Tavros<3Jade ship. And the associated ships he’d suggested made for an auspicious arrangement.

Most importantly, he was actually putting in the work. So many trolls had a tendency to just sort of rush at romance and fall back if rebuffed. And Tavros did his fair share of that in that case, of course. But then he somehow got right back up and went to doing the things humans liked. Perhaps somewhere deep down he understood that shipping was mostly work. Hard work, but oh so rewarding!

It was decided then: Tavros would have another person in his flotilla. And she was ready to fire a full broadside, oh yesssss!

Nepeta retrieved a mobile computing device from her inventory. She had found it in one of the chests, most likely relieving a thief of his or her loot stash. Of all the games trolls played on this meteor, that one was perhaps the silliest. Still, it gave her opportunities like this. Because the thing that made this particular PDA so special was that it belonged to Tavros. And the silly boy forgot to log off!

Nepeta ran through his recent conversations. She did not feel even a little bit guilty. That was just what Tavros got for inviting people to join his cause. He should have learned that trolls did not make good subordinates!

Specifically, she zipped down Tavros’s conversations with Jade or about Jade. She awwed at her rejection of his first advance, which was very kind by roll standards. She bristled at the verbal lambasting he received from Vriska afterward. Scrolling through his conversations she could see some progress, even if it mostly came in the form of discussing the cultural implications of Pupa Pan as compared with some mysterious human legend of Peter Pan. Pretty good at overcoming the unfamiliarity; pretty good at building a friendship; hopeless at making positive progress in the flushed quadrant. Clearly he needed a helping paw.

Casually, Nepeta rifled through the contents of the folder marked as ‘Private.’ Again, she didn’t feel bad. If Tavros really wanted to keep files private, he should have just done what she did and marked the folder ‘Equius’s Art.’

Poetry. This would do.

 **  
adiosToreador [AT] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG]**

 **  
AT: hELLO, jADE,   
GG: hi tavros!  
GG: whats up :)   
AT: mANY THINGS ARE,  
AT: bUT ONE IS, i THINK, mORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY OTHER,   
GG: oh okay  
GG: we can talk about that one first then!   
AT: yES, tHAT IS GOOD,  
AT: wE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS THING AS FRIENDS,  
AT: bECAUSE WE ARE FRIENDS NOW, rIGHT,   
GG: i think so yeah!  
GG: i think our becoming a friendship is definitely a thing that has happened :p   
AT: yES, tHAT IS FUNNY,  
AT: bECAUSE THAT IS DEFINITELY HOW I TALK,  
AT: aND IT IS HILARIOUS,   
GG: wait was that sincere or sarcastic?   
AT: oH, iT WAS DEFINITELY SINCERE,  
AT: eVERYBODY KNOWS THAT I, tAVROS, aM ALWAYS VERY SINCERE,  
AT: aND HAVE NO UNDERSTANDING OF THE CONCEPT OF PLAYFUL IRONY,   
GG: hm. . . . . .  
GG: i guess thats true!   
AT: oF COURSE IT IS,  
AT: aND, uHHH, i HAVE ALSO BEEN WORKING ON CONFIDENCE,  
AT: lEARNING WHAT IT IS FOR,  
AT: aND WHAT IS A PROPER AMOUNT OF IT TO HAVE,  
AT: wITHOUT USING FAKE CONFIDENCE,  
AT: aND I THINK ALL OF THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT,  
AT: oR AT LEAST IT MUST BE, sINCE I NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT IT,  
AT: eVEN WHEN MY FRIENDS ARE IN NO MOOD FOR A PHILOSOPHY SESSION,   
GG: wow are you okay tavros?  
GG: you sound kind of strange today!   
AT: yES, uHHH, i SOUND STRANGE BECAUSE I AM NERVOUS,  
AT: iT IS NORMAL TO SOUND STRANGE IN SUCH A CASE, yES,   
GG: i suppose it is  
GG: maybe you should take a moment to compose yourself?   
AT: oKAY, yES, i HAVE TAKEN A MOMENT TO DO THAT,  
AT: aND I AM NOW A LOT CALMER AND WILL NO LONGER SOUND WEIRD,   
GG: well that’s good :)   
AT: yES, tHAT IS A NICE FACE YOU ARE MAKING,  
AT: i HOPE YOU WILL STILL BE MAKING THAT FACE WHEN I TELL YOU WHAT I WANT TO,   
GG: im sure i will!   
AT: aLL RIGHT,  
AT: dO YOU REMEMBER THE CONVERSATION WE HAD,  
AT: wHERE I CONFESSED ABOUT MY RED FEELINGS FOR YOU,  
AT: eVEN IF I DID IT IN A REALLY STUPID WAY,  
AT: lIKE I SOMETIMES DO, bECAUSE I CAN BE VERY STUPID ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT,  
AT: aND WOULD DO BETTER TO FOLLOW MY FRIENDS ADVICE,   
GG: . . . . . .  
GG: yes?   
AT: i WANTED TO ASK, hOPEFULLY WITHOUT BEING TOO FORWARD,  
AT: oR ASSUMING YOUR AGREEMENT,  
AT: iF YOU WOULD ALLOW ME TO COURT YOU IN TRADITIONAL HUMAN WAYS,  
AT: pLACING YOU UNDER NO OBLIGATION, oF COURSE,  
AT: bUT HOPEFULLY SHOWING YOU MORE OF MY FEELINGS,  
AT: aND INSTEAD OF ASSUMING YOU WILL AUTOMATICALLY RECIPROCATE THEM,  
AT: sERIOUSLY WHO EVEN DOES THAT,  
AT: wILL POSSIBLY WORK TO SLOWLY AWAKEN SUCH FEELINGS WITHIN YOU,  
AT: wHICH IS HOW THIS IS SUPPOSED TO GO, i THINK,   
GG: hmm. . . . . .  
GG: okay   
AT: rEALLY,   
GG: i dont see why not  
GG: and you seem to be approaching this in a much better way!  
GG: even if you do still seem very nervous  
GG: although i guess thats understandable   
AT: pURRFECT,   
GG: what?   
AT: wHAT,   
GG: never mind  
GG: but i should warn you  
GG: if you are trying to try to court me  
GG: you should be on your best form!   
AT: oH, i HAVE FORM,  
AT: eVEN THOUGH YOU REALLY WOULD NOT THINK IT FROM LOOKING AT HOW I ACT,  
AT: i MEAN, rEALLY,   
GG: :D  
GG: okay  
GG: show me what youve got!   
AT: i BELIEVE THAT IN HUMAN ROMANCE IT IS TRADITIONAL TO OFFER A PRETTY GIRL POETRY,  
AT: bECAUSE I CAN’T THINK OF A GOOD WAY TO GET FLOWERS OR CHOCOLATES TO WHERE YOU ARE WITHOUT AN ALCHEMITER,  
AT: aND I HAVE BEEN LED TO BELIEVE THAT TO NOT BE ROMANTIC,   
GG: no no poetry is fine!  
GG: only. . . .  
GG: can it not be about how deadly your planet is?   
AT: nO, tHAT WOULD BE A TERRIBLE IDEA,  
AT: tHE POETRY IS ABOUT YOU,   
GG: ooh! :D  
GG: okay, shoot!!!   
AT: yOUR FLOWERS ARE LIKE RAINBOWS,  
AT: bUT STILL, tHEIR LEAVES ARE GREEN  
AT: aND DIAMONDS MAY BE PRISMATIC,  
AT: bUT THEY CAN’T MATCH YOUR HAIR’S SHEEN,  
AT: aND THEY’RE NOT AS TOUGH AS YOU,  
AT: aND NOT HALF AS BRIGHT AS YOUR EYES,  
AT: yOUR HEART CAN MAKE THE DIAMONDS MELT,  
AT: bECAUSE I THINK YOU’RE VERY NICE,  
AT: a GENTLE LADY OF THE GARDEN,  
AT: sURROUNDED BY PRETTY FLOWERS,  
AT: aND WITH THE SUNLIGHT STREAMING DOWN,  
AT: yOUR BEAUTY’s GREATER THAN YOUR POWERS,  
AT: aND THAT IS WHY MY HEART THROBS CRIMSON,  
AT: aND WHY I’M SAD WE ARE APART,  
AT: sO, IF IT’S NOT PRESUMPTIOUS, mAYBE,  
AT: i HOPE ONE DAY TO WIN YOUR HEART,  
AT: mAYBE TODAY I’LL MAKE A START,   
GG: not bad!  
GG: but i hope you understand if i dont immediately swoon and do whatever it is you trolls do that involves a bucket!   
AT: nO, oF COURSE NOT,  
AT: bUT I JUST THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE NICE TO SECURE SOME KIND OF A BOND,  
AT: tHAT I, tAVROS NITRAM, cAN LATER EXPAND ON,   
GG: well I dont want to promise anything  
GG: but if you want to send me some more poetry later i wont say no! ;)   
AT: oKAY,   
**

**adiosToreador [AT] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG]  
**

Feeling smug and self-satisfied, Nepeta gave a little smile and curled closer to Equius. She would sleep for now. But when she woke up? Oh, she would help hurry along the hunt for Gamzee, whatever the snooty Subcommittee of Time had to say about it. And then she would update her shipping wall so hard it would be scorched!

Oh, yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!


	11. Efficient Management Paradigm

**CTT RIGHT NOW opened memo on board Doomed Is Just A Word.**

 **CTT: Hello and welcome to the penultimate meeting of the Pink Wiggler Subcommittee.  
CTT: Its function is swiftly nearing its end.  
CTT: What this suggests to me is that we either succeed in our tasks, rendering our existence as a separate structure unnecessary;  
CTT: or else we fail and the timeline’s end brings our sessions to a close.  
CTT: Therefore I hope you have some good news for me.  
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTG: well the time shit seems to be mostly under control  
CTG: i tried to not go as crazy with time loops this time  
CTG: we were frankly lucky to end up with only two daves here  
CTG: and one of them is orange so we can tell them apart  
CTT: I don’t suppose you are willing to be forthcoming with the details of the mysterious plan you have concocted to save us all?  
CTG: i keep telling you rose i dont know what the plan is  
CTG: whoever the me was who came up with this plan i haven’t become him yet  
CTT: In that case I don’t suppose you would be willing to check in when you have?  
CTG: i dunno  
CTG: lets see  
CTG: . . .  
CTT: . . .  
CTG: . . .  
CTT: . . .  
CTG: nope doesnt look like it  
CTG: god the future me is an asshole  
CTT: Or perhaps he just remembers going through this conversation and not receiving a reply.  
CTG: see that’s the deal with this weird time shit  
CTG: it gives the little asshole within us all an excuse to come out  
CTG: just claw his way through our fucking chests and burst into the world  
CTG: spraying his asshole confetti all over the place  
CTT: Yes. Thank you for that vivid metaphor, Dave.  
CTT: Without you, I am not sure how we would come by sufficiently disturbing images to keep from growing bored.  
CTT: The Medium clearly has a dearth of such things, requiring your talents to create more.  
CTG: its what i do  
CTT: If I recall properly at this point in the conversations we are about to be interrupted by the arrival of our friends.  
CTT: Let us brace ourselves.  
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTG: mission fucking accomplished  
CTG: time to crawl off and begin stimulating our autoerogenous shame globes  
CTT: Then the ring has been destroyed?  
CTG: you know it  
CTG: and we didnt even need a wizard to sacrifice himself  
CTG: which is kind of a pity i thought we could use the excuse to get rid of CA  
CTG: on the bright side there wasnt any need for a pair of hairy little men with homoerotic subcontext  
CTG: although i am pretty sure we will find no shortage of that once jade and kanaya get their space thing going  
CTG: good job on getting the forge lit by the way  
CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CGG: yeah rose  
CGG: thanks for your advice!  
CGG: its kind of sad that all the snow is meling :(  
CGG: but!!!  
CGG: now all the frogs are running around  
CGG: there are so many frogs you would not even believe  
CGG: and i have to remember to go and bother the right ones  
CTT: I trust they will make fine companions for Prince Kermit.  
CTT: Can someone remind me again why we went with that particular moniker?  
CTG: irony  
CTG: irony  
CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CEB: because Kermit is awesome!  
CTT: Ah, yes.  
CTT: I am now reminded why so many of our votes have questionable outcomes.  
CTT: To make up for it, please tell me that things are going well, John.  
CEB: eh. . .  
CEB: define well.  
CTT: I would like to hear ‘well’ defined in terms that suggest that we are not about to be wiped out by a cosmic explosion.  
CTT: But I am beginning to fear that will not be the case.  
CTT: Tell me, John, do we need to accelerate our plans for getting out of this universe?  
CTT: And if so, do we need to do it in the next thirty seconds?  
CEB: no!  
CEB: or at least i don’t think so.  
CEB: i got The Tumor out okay.  
CEB: but it kind of got lost afterward.  
CTT: It got lost?  
CEB: kind of, yeah.  
CTT: How big was it again?  
CEB: it was huge!  
CEB: i swear i don’t know where it went, Rose!  
CEB: one minute it was there, then i turned my back on it for just a second, and when i turned around again  
CEB: it was gone!  
CTT: John, you are the worst at this.  
CEB: i know.  
CTT: The worst, John.  
CEB: i know! :(  
CGG: i am very disappointed in you john!  
CTG: so disappointed  
CTT: This is a grave failing.  
CTT: I propose an immediate vote of no confidence.  
CTT: Yea or nay.  
CTG: nay  
CGG: nay!!! :D  
CTT: Nay.  
CTG: hell nay  
CTT: The vote fails 0 to 4.  
CTT: It would appear our confidence remains with you, John.  
CEB: thanks, guys!  
CEB: i promise i will find it!  
CTT: Don’t worry about it. I have reason to believe it is where it needs to be.  
CTT: Concentrate on your other responsibilities, John.  
CEB: wait, i almost forgot!  
CEB: i found the other ring!  
CEB: and also i guess the scepters.  
CTG: sweet  
CTG: i will be right down to help you guard them  
CTG: at least until we can get them to Mount Frogdoom and melt them properly  
CTG: still dont know why we cant just use the lava from my land  
CTG: but whatever its all good  
CTT: Speaking of the volcano, are the traps in place, Jade?  
CGG: they are!  
CGG: when hephaestus comes over here he is going to get one nasty surprise!  
CTG: see this right here  
CTG: this is what is so awesome about being human  
CTG: while the trolls are sitting around their asteroid  
CTG: cuddling and roleplaying and being weird as shit  
CTG: we around here are actually accomplishing some objectives  
CTG: high five for the homosapiens  
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 6:11 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FCG: DAVE YOU ARE FUCKING INFRACTED  
FCG: I AM FINALLY FIGURING THIS COMMITTEE BULLSHIT OUT JUST IN TIME FOR IT TO NOT MATTER ANYMORE  
FCG: BUT I HAVE JUST ENOUGH TIME TO LET YOU KNOW THAT AS ONE OF THE CO-LEADERS OF THE COMBINED TEAM I HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO PENALIZE PEOPLE FOR VIOLATION OF MEMO ETHICS  
FCG: SO TAKE ONE DEMERIT FOR RACIST OVERTONES  
FCG: AND ANOTHER FOR BEING DELIBERATELY OBTUSE AND ANNOYING ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS  
FCG: AND I GUESS YOU CAN ALL TAKE A DEMERIT FOR FLAGRANT VIOLATIONS OF SAFETY PROTOCOLS.  
CTG: oh no  
CTG: not the demerits  
FCG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!  
FCG ceased responding to the memo  
CTG: seriously though  
CTG: weak  
CGG: oh noooooooo!  
CGG: dave this is a much bigger deal than you think it is!  
CTG: whatever  
CTG: i can deal with it later  
CGG: but you have three demerits  
CGG: three of them dave! D:  
CTG: later i say  
CTG: sorry to rush off but some shenanigans has just come up  
CTG: i think by the time i next respond i will be the future dave  
CTG: the one who knows the plan  
CTG: and i guess i wont tell it to myself  
CTG: see ya  
CGG: uh, guys?  
CGG: the earth is shaking over here!  
CGG: i think something is coming!  
CEB: oh!  
CEB: dave,  
CEB: orange dave i mean,  
CEB: never mind helping me!  
CEB: just stay with jade.  
CEB: i will be there soon.  
CTT: Try to hold off on joining battle until after he blunders into the traps.  
CTT: I will be able to assist as soon as I am finished in the Veil.  
CTG: right  
CTG: lets kill us a Denizen  
Wait. This is not as it should be.  
This should not be happening.**

 **CTT closed memo.**


	12. The Hunt

**  
CG: ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE, LIKE IT OR NOT WE ARE DOING THIS.   
GC: 4R3 W3   
CG: NO.  
CG: SHUT THE HELL UP WITH THAT. WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR MEMES HERE. WE ARE ON A TIGHT SCHEDULE.  
CG: THIS IS SERIOUS, PEOPLE. IF WE MAKE ONE WRONG MOVE, WE MAY END UP DEAD.  
CG: PROBABLY WILL ANYWAY, BUT WHAT THE HELL.  
CG: THERE ARE WORSE REASONS TO GO.   
AG: Now why can’t everyone have that attitude to life?   
CG: AND THERE IS NO FREAKING TIME FOR THAT EITHER.  
CG: NO TIME TO SOUND OFF IDEAS OR CONTEMPLATE FUCKING PHILOSOPHICAL PERSPECTIVES OR HAVE FRIENDLY SHOUT-OUTS.  
CG: IF ANYONE HAS CONCRETE COMMENTS ABOUT STRATEGY, THEY CAN SPEAK UP.  
CG: EVERYONE ELSE CAN JUST SHUT UP AND MAKE SURE YOUR WEAPONS ARE WORKING.   
CT: D --> E%cuse me   
CG: YES, WHAT IS IT? DO YOU HAVE A REAL QUESTION?   
CT: D --> Well, yes, as a matter of fa%  
CT: D --> I am concerned about the disposition of the roboti%  
CT: D --> They were designed to act in tandem  
CT: D --> Not to be sent to fan out   
CG: LOOK, I KEEP TELLING YOU, IT’S MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAT WE FIND GAMZEE QUICKLY THAN THAT WE HAVE SOME ROBOTS TO MOB HIM.   
CT: D --> if I had been allowed to keep working we w001d not have had to choose   
AA: equius that was never an 0pti0n   
CG: AS MUCHT AS I HATE GETTING INTO YOUR LOVEY DOVEY ROMANCE SHE’S BASICALLY RIGHT.  
CG: HAVING YOU AWAKE AND ALERT IS EVEN MORE IMPORTANT FROM A STRATEGIC PERSPECTIVE.   
CT: D --> Very well  
CT: D --> I suppose you are correct   
AT: uHHH, kARKAT,   
CG: CRAP. I DON’T LIKE YOUR TONE OF VOICE.   
AT: i TRIED SPEAKING TO THE CREATURES IN THE LABS,  
AT: tO GET THEM TO HELP US FIGHT GAMZEE,  
AT: bUT THEY REALLY, rEALLY REFUSE TO,  
AT: aND I DON’T THINK I CAN KEEP THEM UNDER CONTROL VERY LONG,   
CG: YEAH, THAT FUCKING FIGURES.  
CG: I DON’T REALLY WANT TO FIGHT HIM EITHER.  
CG: SO - NO ROBOTS AND NO MONSTERS OTHER THAN THE DERPY LITTLE ONES FROM GIRLS’ GAMES, BUT WE STILL OUTNUMBER HIM ELEVEN TO ONE.  
CG: ALL RIGHT. ARADIA, GET YOUR TIME FREEZE READY. VRISKA, PUT ON YOUR STUPID OUTFIT. ERIDAN, MAKE SURE YOUR WAND HAS JUICE. EQUIUS, YOU HAVE BEEN ORDERED BY YOUR LEADER AND YOUR EMPRESS AND YOUR COMMITTEE TOO TO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT USING BOWS NO MATTER WHAT THAT STONER PAST GAMZEE SAYS. JUST GRAB HIM OR SOMETHING. BREAK HIS LEGS IF YOU HAVE TO, WE CAN FIX THAT.  
CG: LET’S TAKE THIS FREAK HARD AND FAST.  
CG: LET’S GO!   
**

The trolls gathered up. Since they were looking for a dangerous individual in dark corridors, tradition dictated that they split up and get picked off one by one. That was precisely why Karkat ordered them to stick together at all costs, using robots for reconnaissance and having at least one person look up at all times.

Not that Gamzee had made much of an effort to hide. After spending hours being kept at bay by superior preparation and having any computing device he so much as approached feed him a stream of insults and slam poetry before exploding he was good and ready for a confrontation.  
 **  
TC: welcome to the dark carnival motherfuckers.  
TC: WANT TO HEAR A JOKE?  
TC: it goes like this:  
TC: ELEVEN TROLLS MOTHERFUCKING BLUNDER INTO A ROOM WITH A SUBBJUGGLATOR  
TC: and then they all get subjugglated.  
TC: GET IT? IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE TROLLS GET SUBJUGGLATED!  
TC: honk  
TC: HONK  
CG: CHARGE!  
**  
They charged.

It was a disaster.

It all started off fairly well. They managed to not get in each other’s way. The close-range fighters closed in on Gamzee quickly, while those who preferred long range stood back. Eridan drew his want; alongside him Sollux dipped a spoon into a jar of Mind Honey. Vriska flittered behind him while Aradia approached in front in a blaze of psychic glory. They were about to overwhelm him.

That’s when the disaster started.

Gamzee opened with a classic: a well-placed packet of powdered pepper thrown across the room and into Sollux’s spoon. Even before that act of buffoonery bore its fruit, Gamzee ducked between Feferi’s fork and Nepeta’s claws and allowed the two to interlock.

Running forward, Gamzee flipped over Equius’s charge and drew his juggling pins. A brief exchange later, Karkat and Terezi were both out of the fight, their weapons doing them no good.

Eridan had charged his wand fully and was about to fire a beam of white magic strong enough to finish the fight. He wouldn’t get the chance, as Gamzee rushed towards him on the Rocket Unicycle, taking a moment along the way to use a sickle to slash at charging Tavros, easily snatching the lance from his hands and turning it against Eridan’s shield. The sheer momentum compressed into a single point was enough to knock the sea dweller back and knock him out. Only Eridan’s mighty Science Shield protected him from death.

The beams wildly emanating from Sollux’s eyes as the boy sneezed and sneezed kept most of the remaining party at bay. Vriska, of course, was far too lucky to get hit with them. She appeared behind the clown, preparing a strike. And then she learned a painful truth:

No-one is too lucky to get hit with a rubber chicken.

The dice fell from Vriska’s hand as she slumped to the floor. Rolling up a NET ASSAULT they fired a barrage that found Nepeta and Sollux, though failing to bind Kanaya running chainsaw first.

A Faygo bottle launched at terminal speed and rebounding off three walls took care of that.

And now Aradia appeared behind him. All she needed was one second. But it was a second she would not get. Gamzee pressed a hand to her chest, activating a joy buzzer considerably stronger than regulation. The robot body shook and flailed as Equius-designed systems struggled against their innate instinct to explode at the first sign of trouble. In the meanwhile Aradia made a nice projectile towards Feferi.

Equius was the last one left standing. Perhaps it was because he was too STRONG to bring down with one blow; perhaps it was because the highblood had his own agenda. Either way, he was still up and his orders were clear: to bring Gamzee down through physical force. But having seen the speed the other boy was capable of, Equius was not convinced it was viable. And, despite the warnings he’d received, the words of Gamzee’s other incarnation echoed in his head. For some reason it felt as though behind them lurked an order from someone whose authority somehow superseded even the Empress.

With full knowledge that he would be doomed, Equius drew out his specibus. His eyes glued to Gamzee’s insane smile, he realized too late that instead of the BOW specibus he’d drawn on the HALF-BOW one. Not that it made a difference, since most weapons tended to make the transition from one to the other quickly enough.

He chose a bow in which it was the string that broke instead of the shaft. Perhaps it could at least serve as a makeshift club.

Gamzee advanced, slowly. Feferi attempted to raise herself back up. Gamzee casually tossed a spear through her shoulder. He couldn’t be bothered to concentrate long enough to aim for the chest.

Equius wasn’t thinking at all anymore. He just repeated the all-too-familiar motion of drawing a bow. Surely it was no more useless now than any time he’d tried to wield a bow that was actually whole?

To his shock, he felt resistance. There was no string to the bow. Equius knew there was no string. But somehow the bow was acting as though there was one - and moreover one that did snap under his fingers. At the back of his mind, that made sense. After all, who better than the Heir of Void - the heir to Nothing - to draw a bow with nothing for a string?

And who better to defeat a clown than a mime?

Gamzee never knew what hit him; this was mainly because what hit him was Nothing at all.

Gamzee was pinned for a wall. Only for a moment, perhaps, but a moment was all Equius needed to start twirling an invisible rope. As an artist, he understood it now. He understood everything. He could feel the texture of the nonexistent object in his hand.

Gamzee broke loose and charged forward.

Equius put out his hand to feel an invisible wall.

Running directly into it, Gamzee flew back. It took him a few seconds to recover. But for those few seconds he’d lost control fo the battlefield. He failed to see Kanaya getting up and deploying the secret weapon. And now it was too late.

The pie catapult was primed and ready to fire.

Naturally, Gamzee attempted to dodge. But even he knew the battle was lost from the second the miniature siege weapon landed on the floor. There was pretty much no way the pie wasn’t going to hit him right in the face.

No way at all.

The descendant of the High Subjugglators looked up, pie crust and sopor slime dripping from his clown makeup.

 **  
TC: WhAt hAvE I BeEn mOtHeRfUcKiNg dOiNg?   
**

And then Gamzee came closer to death than throughout the whole fight, getting rushed by ten trolls who were intent on initiating a group hug and not taking no for an answer.

The remaining troll was too busy going down invisible stairs.


	13. Finally Trolling Successfully

**AG: Hey, white text guy!  
AG: I am talking to you here!  
Yes?  
AG: ::::D  
AG: That is me right now.  
AG: You would not even 8elieve how hard I am laughing at this.  
AG: My sides are 8asically a8out to 8urst.  
I see little reason for such levity.  
AG: Yeah, right!  
AG: You spent all this time telling me how doomed we all were.  
AG: Well, guess what, smart guy?  
AG: You were wrong!!!!!!!!  
AG: !  
AG: HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!  
I am never wrong.  
AG: Oh, no. You are not going to pull your little tricks on me!  
AG: Not this time!  
AG: We 8eat Gamzee without a single casualty.  
AG: And John got the 8omb out of his 8attlefield!  
AG: And he and his friends 8eat all of their Denizens.  
AG: All of them!  
AG: (You see what I did there? I used my catchphrase on a concept that is quantitatively exhaustive at 8/2!) ::::D  
AG: And now instead of 8eing doomed we are all sitting around and cele8r8ing with some cake and faygo.  
AG: And I find that to 8e uproariously hilarious!  
This is only a minor snag.  
There have been. . .difficulties. But it’s nothing I can’t handle.  
I have resolved thornier problems before.  
I just need to think.  
AG: You need to think a8out how pathetic you are, may8e!  
AG: Seriously, I can see why you’re so eager to get 8ack to a timeline where you matter  
AG: You know, as opposed to this one, where you are 8asically wrong a8out everything ever.  
I am not wrong.  
AG: 8ut too 8ad, 8uster!  
AG: I think I like it here!  
I am not!  
AG: And hey? Guess whaaaaaaaat?  
AG: here is something else you didn’t see coming!  
TA has opened the conversation to the public.  
Wait, what?  
AT: oKAY, fIRST OF ALL WE ALL THINK YOU’RE AWFUL,  
AT: lET’S GET THAT FACT OUT ON THE TABLE WHERE EVERYONE INVOLVED CAN SEE IT,  
AA: and sec0ndly we are n0t 0kay with what y0u did  
I did nothing.  
AA: d0nt even try t0 feed us that line  
AA: as the maid of time i kn0w perfectly well h0w a small cause can have a large effect!  
AA: y0u were deliberately causing situati0ns that w0uld n0t have been p0ssible with0ut y0ur interventi0n  
AA: just because y0u ch0se t0 d0 it in a way that w0uld require minimum acti0n 0n y0ur part d0es n0t make it any less your fault!  
This is ridiculous.  
TG: we know what you did bro  
TG: and it is some pretty fucked up stuff  
TG: and we know what youre going to try to do  
TG: and it is basically the worst thing ever  
Childish insults.  
Coupled with callbacks to meaningless conversations you have had in the past.  
GC: H3Y TH3R3 M1ST3R V4N1LL4 M1LKS4K3!  
GC: SP34K1NG OF C4LLB4CKS:  
GC: DO YOU R3M3MB3R TH3 T1M3 1 KN3W WH4T YOU WOULD DO N3XT?  
GC: W3LL 1 KNOW 1T NOW TOO!  
GC: 4ND L3T M3 T3LL YOU:  
GC: 1T 1S GO1NG TO B3 H1L4R1OUS!  
Pretend knowledge.  
Or. . .real knowledge? Why can’t I tell?  
AG: Helmets!!!!!!!!  
AG: You know, from the other side they are much more satisfying!  
CA: wwoww you wwere basically right vvris  
CA: this guy is just pathetic  
CA: i am ashamed to havve him share a color wwith my scientific powwers  
And you would know pathetic, wouldn’t you?  
CC: H----EY!  
CC: -------Eridan mig)(t )(ave )(is troubles in t)(e romantic department  
CC: And )(e mig)(t be basically t)(e )(ardest moirail ever to keep in line  
CC: But )(e’s not a t)(ousandt)(‘s as bad as you are!!!!! 38(  
TC: MoThErFuCkInG RiGhT  
TC: BeSiDeS I DoN’T ThInK YoU ReAlLy HaVe aNy fAiTh aT AlL  
TC: NoT In yOuR MaStEr  
TC: nOt iN YoUr pLaNs  
TC: WhEn yOu hAvE FaItH YoU DoN’T HaVe tO Be cOnStAnTlY InTeRfErInG WiTh eVeRyThInG  
TC: YoU CaN JuSt lEt tHiNgS Be  
TC: oThErWiSe iT Is nO KiNd oF FaItH At aLl  
I will not accept theological advice from you.  
I have seen things your drug-addled mind could not imagine!  
TT: I have not known Gamzee for long.  
TT: But from what little I’ve gleaned I daresay his drug-addled mind has seen things you cannot imagine as well.  
CT: D --> You know, the Subcommittee of Stri% Beats was assigned a task of coming up with a suitably derisive rap for this occasion  
CT: D --> But I think it would be a waste of our considerable talents at this point  
I’m hardly going to believe that you view me as the enemy. If it were not for my actions you would not have your beloved now.  
GA: Ah So You Do Take Responsibility For The Events In Question  
AA: he is basically resp0nsible f0r them yes  
AA: which is n0t t0 ex0nerate any0ne else inv0lved  
AA: n0ne 0f us were perfect  
AA: but 0bvi0usly that d0esnt st0p s0me 0f us fr0m bearing a grudge  
A grudge? Is that all you have to offer? Something like one of your caliginous flirtations?  
This is not worth my time.  
AG: You know, at least when Tavros uses fakey fake confidence, he has the guts to 8e upfront a8out it!  
AG: When you do it it’s just sad!  
CG: SO TO SUMMARIZE: YOU ARE STUPID, EVIL, AND FUCKING INSANE AND WE’RE NOT GOING TO TAKE YOUR CRAP ANYMORE.  
CG: SOLLUX, HE’S ALL YOURS.  
So that’s your secret weapon. The little programmer?  
TA: iit’2 SOLLUX CAPTOR two you.  
TA: the chiief admiinii2trator of the 2ubcommiittee of computiing machiinery.  
I suppose you think you have as much reason to hate me as anyone.  
Do you blame me for everything that’s happened to you? Do you think you didn’t deserve it? Do you think it matters?  
Well?  
Answer me.  
Doc Scratch’s typewriter has exploded  
TA: 2omethiing wiitty.  
TA: okay no waiit ii can do better than that.  
TA: eat 2hiit and diie?  
TA: no, no.  
TA: you have been banned from the iinternet?  
TA: take thii2 a2 your an2wer?  
CG: JUST. . . JUST SHUT THE HELL UP.  
CG: YOU’RE RUNING THIS.  
TA: yeah okay.**


	14. The Last Time We Talked

**apocalypseArisen [AA] opened private timeless bulletin board epil0gue.**

 **~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~**

 **AA opened memo on board epil0gue.**

 **  
AA: welc0me t0 the ultimate meeting 0f the survival c0mmittee  
AA: the 0rganizati0n in its present f0rm will s00n exhaust its functi0n  
AA: simply put we either will survive the next stretch 0f time 0r we w0nt  
AA: if we d0 n0t survive all 0ur planning c0mes t0 n0ught  
AA: if we d0 then we will have neg0tiated 0ur largest threat  
AA: and there is reas0n t0 believe that mere survival will n0 l0nger be 0ur task  
AA: theref0re if any0ne has any questi0ns c0ncerns 0r suggesti0ns n0w is the time t0 bring them up   
GA: I Do Not Feel Like I Understand My Role Within The Plan   
AA: d0 y0u understand the specifics   
GA: Yes  
GA: Using Our Respective Frog Based Artifacts Forged From The Remains Of Royal Regalia Jade And I Are To Open A Portal Between Our Worlds  
GA: One That Is More Stable Than The Connection Generated By A Scratch  
GA: That Is Where I Lose The Thread Of The Plan However  
GA: Do We Intend To Escape Into The Human Session In Order To Take Advantage Of Their Reward Alongside Them   
AA: n0  
AA: instead the fact that the c0urse y0u suggest w0uld be p0ssible  
AA: c0mbined with the rage 0f 0ur m00n’s guardian  
AA: will lead us t0 the t0ughest fight 0f 0ur lives   
CG: I STILL DON’T GET WHY WE HAD TO PISS HIM OFF SO MUCH ANYWAY.  
CG: IT’S LIKE WE’RE FUCKING ASKING TO FIGHT A FIRST GUARDIAN.   
AA: we are   
CG: YEAH, THAT FIGURES.   
AA: as great as his p0wer is in a direct c0nfr0ntati0n an 0pp0nent like him is far m0re danger0us if given the time t0 think and plan  
AA: 0nly by drawing him into c0mbat d0 we stand a chance 0f success  
AA: it is a trial by fire 0f s0rts  
AA: either we will pr0ve 0urselves w0rthy and survive  
AA: 0r else die and be f0rg0tten  
AA: n0thing new t0 any 0f us   
CT: D --> There is something else  
CT: D --> Something you are withholding from us   
AA: there are many things  
AA: s0me 0f y0u have been given inc0mplete inf0rmati0n  
AA: m0st 0f y0u in fact  
AA: a few were even f00led c0mpletely  
AA: this is because kn0wing the full extent 0f 0ur plan in advance w0uld have caused y0u t0 behave differently than you n0rmally w0uld  
AA: time is s0mething like a canvas y0u see  
AA: 0nce y0u painted s0mething it is n0t mutable  
AA: but a blank area h0lds many p0ssibilities  
AA: any 0f which are viable until it is filled in  
AA: the main task 0f the subc0mmittee 0f time has been t0 engineer 0ne such blank sp0t  
AA: carefully kept free 0f predestinai0n and left un0bserved  
AA: it will be a m0ment 0f decisi0n in which 0ur fates will be sealed 0ne way 0r the 0ther  
AA: y0u will need t0 trust us until that m0ment c0mes  
AA: i h0pe that is 0kay   
CT: D --> I trust you 100% my dear   
AA: h0w l0ng have y0u waited f0r a legitimate use f0r that percentage   
CT: D --> So long  
CT: D --> You don’t even know   
AT: uHHH, fEFERI AND I HAVE BEEN TALKING TO THE HORRORTERRORS,  
AT: lIKE OUR PART OF THE PLAN HAS BEEN,  
AT: aND WE ARE HAVING A HARD TIME GETTING THEM TO FOLLOW YOUR ORDERS,  
AT: aRE YOU SURE THEY CAN’T COME AND FIGHT HIM WITH US,   
AA: they w0uld be 0f little use against 0ur adversary  
AA: c0ntinue t0 have them evacuating the area  
AA: except f0r th0se wh0se presence is abs0lutely necessary f0r the 0ther part 0f the plan t0 w0rk  
AA: i am sure that between the tw0 0f y0u it will be manageable   
CC: I don’t know about th)(at!  
CC: They can get pretty stubborn!38(   
AA: certainly they w0uld n0t refuse their fav0rite tangle buddies   
CC: I GU-----ESS YOU’R------E RIG)(T!!!  
CC: Alt)(oug)( i still wis)( we could get Jade into it wit)( us!   
AT: mE TOO,   
GG: sorry guys!  
GG: but i have something else to do  
GG: and also i cannot find bec anywhere! D:   
CG: YEAH, WE’RE STILL FUCKING DOOMED.   
AA: y0ur lusus will n0t be required f0r this part 0f the missi0n  
AA: he is 0kay and y0u will be reunited exactly when y0u need t0 be   
GG: well thats good!   
EB: and is there anything else you need us to do?   
AG: Yeah, are you suuuuuuuure I shouldn’t just kill them?  
AG: I would ask permission first and everything!   
AA: n0  
AA: there are very g00d reas0ns why the humans must n0t ascend t0 the g0d tier   
TG: trust her on this one  
TG: it has to do with timing  
TG: aradia is the best at timing  
TG: the best  
TG: for reasons that will become clear soon   
EB: that’s fine.  
EB: to be honest, i didn’t really want to get stabbed that much anyway!   
AA: there d0nt appear t0 be any m0re questi0ns ab0ut the plan  
AA: and theref0re n0 need f0r m0re discussi0n  
AA: h0wever  
AA: it is p0ssible we will n0t see each 0ther again  
AA: therefore it w0uld be appr0priate t0 say 0ur final g00dbyes  
AA: just in case   
CT: D --> Aradia, I. . .  
CT: D --> Oh, fudgcicles, I can’t find the words!  
CT: D --> I. . .  
CT: D               --<3-->   
AA: equius  
AA: . . .  
AA:    0000000000                            0000000000  
AA:  0000      0000                        0000      0000  
AA: 0000        0000                      0000        0000  
AA: 0000        0000                      0000        0000  
AA: 0000        0000                      0000        0000  
AA: 0000        0000                      0000        0000  
AA: 0000        0000                      0000        0000  
AA: 0000        0000                      0000        0000  
AA: 0000        0000                      0000        0000  
AA: 0000        0000                      0000        0000  
AA:  0000      0000                        0000      0000  
AA:    0000000000                            0000000000  
AA:               0000000            0000000  
AA:                  00000000000000000000  
AA:                       0000000000  
AA: there  
AA: i just made that em0tic0n smile  
AA: and it didnt l00k stupid   
AC: :33 < *i love you guys!  
AC: :33 < *both of you!  
AC: :33 < *and also karkat!  
AC: :33 < *i wax crimson for him oh yessssss!  
AC: :33 < *(i think i would have regretted not saying that!)   
GC: 1 TH1NK W3 W1LL H4V3 TO H4V3 SOM3 V3RY T3NS3 ROL3PL4Y1NG OV3R TH4T SUBJ3CT!  
GC: K4RK4T 1S MY PR3Y!>:]   
CG: AT SOME POINT IN THE FUTURE I’D LIKE TO FIND OUT WHAT MY LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE IF I HAD THE ABILITY TO ATTRACT PEOPLE WHO AREN’T TOTALLY PSYCHOTIC.  
CG: BUT UNTIL THEN I GUESS I CAN THINK OF WORSE GROUPS TO HANG AROUND WITH THAN ALL OF YOU.  
CG: THAT’S AS CLOSE TO A COMPLIMENT AS YOU’RE GETTING. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.   
GG: i will take it karkat!  
GG: and i am very happy to have met all of you!  
GG: you guys aren’t as bad as we thought!   
TG: and some of you can drop some pretty strict beats i guess   
GA: On Behalf Of Our Party I Would Like To Apologize For The Grief Weve Caused You  
GA: You Did Not Deserve It   
TA: we were pretty much ju2t beiing jerk2 two you   
CA: i just wwanted to say  
CA: before this all happened wwe wwere hidin from an enemy with the powwer a first guardian  
CA: noww wwe are about to fight one  
CA: i should be feelin like there is no hope left  
CA: but i don’t  
CA: so evven if wwe end up losing i just wwant to say  
CA: it wwill be an honor to fight alongside you   
TT: Morituri Nolumus Mori.  
TT: Buck up, Eridan.  
TT: I think we are about to enter another spell duel.  
TT: I doubt we will be able to match our enemy this time, but things other than apples will be thrown at him.  
TT: It’s not all bad.  
TT: If nothing else we will at least go out with a bang.   
CA: i look forwward to contributin in a meaningful wway to the party effort  
CA: is that right   
AT: tHAT IS HOW IT IS DONE, yES,   
CA: there is just one thing first though  
CA: i think wwe are goin to need more wwands   
TT: Yes. Yes we are.   
AA: i supp0se we have time f0r 0ne inspirati0nal phrase fr0m every0ne  
AA: i will g0 first  
AA: we fight because 0f what has been  
AA: in the name 0f what might have been  
AA: and f0r the sake 0f what may yet be!   
GA: To Stand Against Destiny Itself Is A Noble Thing   
CT: D --> We may not be STRONGER than he is  
CT: D --> But we have more HEART darn it all!!!   
TG: what i am about to do i will do with no irony whatsoever   
TA: he de2erve2 everythiing that ii2 comiing two hiim.   
AT: i MAY BE VERY SCARED OF HIM,  
AT: aND BASICALLY NOT CONFIDENT AT ALL,  
AT: bUT I STILL HAVE TO TRY,   
AG: I can’t even 8elieve I am saying this,  
AG: 8ut I agree with Taaaaaaaavros!   
EB: let’s do this all together, guys!   
CG: AND DO IT HARD!   
CA: hope springs eternal   
AC: :33 < *ac will never give up!*   
GG: we can do this!!! :D   
CC: I B----ELI------EV------------E!!! 38D   
TC: BeLiEvE NoThInG  
TC: It dOeSn’t tAkE FaItH To kNoW We cAn  
TC: DoEsN’T EvEn tAkE A MiRaClE   
GC: YOU’D H4V3 TO B3 BL1ND NOT TO S33 TH4T!   
TT: Morituri Non Moriar!   
TG: lets kill us a First Guardian   
**


	15. The Final Showdown

How does one prepare to fight an omnipotent entity?

One begins with a philosophy session. Certain factions within the troll-human alliance insisted on examining the word ‘omni’ in very close detail. The general consensus was that it would be basically comparable to the word ‘uni’ as in ‘universe’ in a way that would suggest it was not quite as all-encompassing within paradox space as outside it.

But that part had been done a while ago, before the Subcommittee on First Guardians and the Subcommittee of Semantic Linguistics had been suspended along with the rest.

Secondly, one could collect equipment. Ensure that everyone had the proper fraymotifs and all the scattered weaponry was taken out of chests and painstakingly extracted from Gamzee’s crazy modus and properly deployed. Spend most of the remaining grist alchemizing magic wands, proton cannons, power suits, and plentiful supplies of enchanted chalk. Practice with newly discovered abilities. That sort of thing.

That was done shortly before and after the final grand memo. The part after was done in total, eerie silence as no-one wanted to spoil the mood created by their last words.

Thirdly, one could acquire a secret weapon and hide it beyond even a First Guardian’s sight. And this too was done, through a series of agents who didn’t know just what they were doing, why they were doing it, or what part it would all play in their eventual masterstroke.

Once that was all finished, there was little left to do except bait the trap.

Connecting the sessions was difficult enough. The paradox space was, in its own way, kind of touchy about the fact that every possible session was technically happening somewhere at the same time. But being in a different timeline made things a little easier. They were off in an area scheduled for demolition. It was just taking a while.

Somewhere, Kanaya lifted a frog made of gold and crystal spheres and allowed it to stare into infinity; and somewhere else Jade lifted hers. And then those two places were the same place of sorts - or at least allowed a passage to be formed. It was entirely possible for the trolls to step through it and perhaps gain entrance to the universe formed by those born into the universe they themselves had created. It would be a new beginning of sorts.

Except that there weren’t supposed to be beginnings in this place. Only endings. And someone in charge of making sure things went the way they were supposed to was here too, blazing with green lightning so thick it nearly obscured his flawlessly white complexion.

 **  
My patience is at an end. I hate to be so inelegant, but the time has come to end this.   
**

Perhaps he expected a verbal response. He got none; only a barrage of white magic, missiles, immaterial projectiles, and particle beams. The suddenness and savagery of the attack staggered even **D oc Scratch** as he struggled to form his cosmic energies into a shield that could withstand so many different things at once while not hiding the battlefield from his perception. By the time he was finished, his costume was ruffled and even his head was scratched, bleeding pure energy.

 **  
A pointless gesture.   
**

**  
CG: SECOND WAVE! GO GO GO!   
**

The second wave went. The psychics opened up. Tavros and Vriska assaulted the First Guardian’s consciousness, flooding it with images and commands. Sollux lashed out with the pain of his mutations. Eridan raised one of the additional wands he’d procured to scream out pure psychic noise of the brain-exploding variety. Those devoid of such abilities compensated by doing whatever they could to assault their opponent’s other senses, be it with flashing light, sound so loud it could be heard from space, or odors that smelled just like the brightest shades of rainbow’s colors.

That bought them several more seconds. It gave **D oc Scratch** a reasonably strong headache. It did not, however, come close to destroying him. And it made him mad enough to launch a counterattack.

A ribbon of green lightning moving faster than light and with enough punch behind it to pierce a dozen trolls if necessary. Far too powerful to be slowed down by an invisible wall, no matter how finely its creator envisioned it. Too powerful to be stopped with an energy blast of an orange shade. Perhaps even too powerful to be stopped by white magic.

But white and black magics acting in tandem tend to bring out some wonderful synergies.

 **  
CG: THIRD WAVE, MAKE YOURSELVES USEFUL ALREADY!   
**

The arrival of the kids meant that the first of the counterattacks was stopped. It made **D oc Scratch** realize that he had overlooked a variable in this combat. But it also made him believe that the kids themselves were that variable when in reality he should have been looking a little closer to home.

Perhaps right behind him.

The strange sensation of a kind of slow time crept over the First Guardian. Realizing the nature of the effect, he fought it. It is difficult enough for an ordinary player to fight a power of such magnitude. Aradia’s timestop did not hold for more than half a minute.

It expired a second before a redoubled assault with all the firepower it was possible to master hit **D oc Scratch**.

There are things a First Guardian, particularly one who is good at their job, is not used to. One is being wrong; another is being manipulated; yet another is feeling pain. For this particular First Guardian, all three were coming together in a particularly unpleasant fashion. Whatever self-control he’d regained after reconstituting his writing device was long since gone.

 **  
AA: if i can d0 that again we will win   
**

The response to that sentence was swift and brutal. A slicing motion and an attack which was not even green so much as the color of pure emptiness, slicing through the spatial fabric and revealing strange stars underneath.

There was a very long moment.

His senses clear for a second, **D oc Scratch** could once again feel everything. The smell of sparks coming from Aradia’s body, cut into halves as it was. The look of horror on Equius’s face, expanding slowly, nanosecond by nanosecond. The weapons, being readied for a retributive strike; demanding his attention. All of it very convincing. In its own way, all of it completely real.

Until the end of the moment, which coincided with the instant of his spatial slice tearing through the center of Derse.

The robot body exploded, but it didn’t matter; by now it was only an empty shell anyway. And in any case, the grandeur of the explosion of mere circuitry was easily eclipsed by the explosion of power and light beyond it, as a new god entered the Medium.

Or, shall we say, a goddess.

 **  
AA: initiate plan epil0gue!   
**

And then Aradia was gone.

She had a lot of work to do, making herself quietly responsible for every event and effort within the doomed session.

She went back to suggest the idea of a committee to Kanaya, delivering it anonymously. Then, at the right moment, she inserted herself into the Subcommittee of Time, guiding the two versions of Dave and her own past self in an effort to become the center of true power, dispensing predestination-flavored interventions at precisely the right times.

She ensured that the psychically resistant helmets were successfully created and that one went to Tavros, ensuring that John would not ascent to god tiers.

She gave Gamzee a message to pass to Equius, helping the latter to discover his hidden power at exactly the right moment.

She got her hands on a critical object from the human session and ensured it would be transported to exactly the right place at exactly the right time.

And, after doing many other little chores, she came to the last item on her checklist: deploy the Fourth Wave.

The Fourth Wave, naturally, consisted of a god-tiered Aradia riding Bec through time and space and back into the exact moment she left.

Aradia paused exactly long enough to receive a power-up courtesy of Rose and Eridan. The two worked in perfect tandem, guided not by teamwork or mutual admiration, but by the powers of magic/science itself. Whatever force ultimately powered their efforts, it was not exactly part of the game, and if it had goals, they did not necessarily align with either those of paradox space or those of the First Guardians. But whatever ambitions the force might ultimately hold, for the moment it contended itself with providing Aradia with the extra oomph she needed and a splendid light show to boot.

There were two First Guardians on the field now. Theoretically, they were equal in power. But one of them had already taken some punishment - more than he would have allowed himself if he’d known the kind of fight this would be. And the other was aided by magic and time itself. Even if both could move anywhere instantly, Bec could do it just a little bit faster than even that. No matter where **D oc Scratch** tried to move, Bec was already there, waiting for him with a bite.

Really, at this point the battle should have been all but over. The players held the advantage, both in terms of power and preparation. They could have whittled their enemy down until he was nothing but cosmic dust. Perhaps they would have, had they not, in their excitement, overlooked one very important detail:

They were all doomed.

They were reminded of that fact when **D oc Scratch** exploded the spatial anomaly that was their gate between the universes.

Bec moved to intercept, ignoring Aradia’s commands - which would not have differed from that in any case. Moving the kids and trolls out of the way, Bec spent a little time as a spatial anomaly himself - and when the wave hit him, he simply disappeared, leaving behind only cosmic dust.

 **  
This ends now.   
**

**  
AA: yes i guess it d0es  
AA: i really thought we w0uld be g0ne by n0w   
**

**D oc Scratch** turned around, beholding the manner of his demise.

If one needs to get something through Paradox space quickly, the best way is usually through the use of a Scratch or the services of a First Guardian, or perhaps a god-tiered Space player. If one needs something moved slowly, however, there are few better ways to go than a Horrorterror relay. Of course, getting them to cooperate properly can be difficult - but the combined efforts of a recognized ally with a lifetime’s experience in dealing with them and a powerful psychic with great empathy are just about enough, even if the object that needs to be moved is very large, unwieldy, and dangerous.

The last Horrorterror in the relay had thrown its load to its final destination and was now fleeing the stretch of space all the others had fled, as quickly as possible. It knew it had to get away or be destroyed.

The Tumor had only a few seconds left on its timer, after all.

 **  
AA: I supp0se my timing was a little bit 0ff   
**

**  
Well, perhaps we can get back to the main plot now.   
**

And then the universe exploded.

THE END


	16. epil0gue

**AA: exactly as planned  
TG: really?  
AA: hell n0!  
AA: i can n0t believe we actually g0t away with that!  
TG: that guy was never our real ‘adversary’ was he  
AA: n0pe!  
AA: d0nt get me wr0ng he was still an enemy!  
AA: and a very p0werful and clever 0ne t00  
AA: but he wasnt the reas0n we were in danger  
AA: the 0ne we really had t0 f00l was the timeline itself!  
TT: I suppose when one needs to fool the very forces of destiny a bit of theatrics is in order.  
TT: That said, was it really necessary to cut things quite so close?  
AA: yeah well when 0ne can travel thr0ugh time and space h0wever 0ne pleases cl0se d0esnt really have the same meaning!  
AA: the 0nly real p0int 0f danger was when the expl0si0n hit  
AA: 0nce Bec survived that we c0uld always take y0u all back t0 the m0ment the gate still existed and get 0ut 0f there  
GA: It Was Exhilirating  
GA: But I Think I Would Not Want To Experience That Again  
GA: Are You Confident We Will Be Left Alone From Now On  
AA: c0mpletely p0sitive!  
AA: We were all there until juuust bef0re the expl0si0n hit  
AA: And even afterward we had s0me0ne t0 take the fall f0r us!  
AA: g00d j0b 0n the r0b0ts by the way equius!  
AA: they were very lifelike  
CT: D --> Since their main job was to be vaporized I was able to skip most of the details that w001d normally stop a robot from 100king alive  
CT: D --> But I think the paint job was the real reason they su%eeded in f001ing anyone  
AC: :33 < *Mr. Zahaak w001d be surprised and purple%ed at what his meowrail can do when she really concentrates!*  
GC: 4ND TH3 3NCH4NT3D CH4LK H3LP3D 4 LOT W1TH T3XTUR3S!  
GC: THOS3 AR3 4LW4YS TR1CKY.  
TG: im just shocked there was enough magic in the universe to let us draw something convincing  
TT: I think you really underestimate your talents, Dave.  
TT: Perhaps if you took some time to learn about perspective and shading, your art would improve.  
CT: D --> I suppose I c001d help with that  
CT: D --> We will need artists to replace the lost masterpieces of Alternia  
TG: no offense but you and your freaky art can just stay the hell away from me  
CT: D --> Perhaps that c001d be arranged  
CT: D --> After you serve the penalty for getting three demerits, that is  
CG: OH HELL YES!  
CG: NOW WE’RE TALKING.  
TG: so whats the penalty here  
TG: do i have to write lines  
TG: or stand in the corner wearing a hat declaring that i am not the king of cool  
TG: all evidence to the contrary  
CG: YEAH YOU WISH.  
CG: THE PENALTY IS THAT YOU HAVE TO LIE IN EQUIS’S FREAKISH ROBOT PART PILE AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE.  
TG: lame  
CT: D --> For five hours  
TG: what  
CG: IT USED TO BE FIVE MINUTES BUT THE COMMITTEE HELD A VOTE TO INCREASE THE PENALTY JUST BEFORE I CONTACTED YOU.  
TG: okay what the hell everyone  
TG: i think i speak for all present when i say it was just too good an opportunity to miss  
TG: et tu dave  
TG: he who lives by irony dies by irony dude  
TG: you know that  
AG: can we stop discussing 8usiness for a minute?  
AG: we just kicked the White Text Guy’s 8utt!  
AG: I say this calls for a cele8r8ion!  
TC: MoRe cAkE AnD FaYgO CoMiNg tHe mOtHeRfUcK Up!  
TC: jUsT LeT Me sEe iF I CaN FiGuRe tHiS MoDuS OuT  
EB: oh yeah!  
EB: let’s hear it for the Survival Committee!  
AT: hOORAY,  
GG: hooray!!  
CC: )(OORAY!!!  
GA: We Made A Pretty Good Team  
GA: When We Get To The Universe You Created I Envision The Government System As Neither A Democracy Nor A Monarchy But A Pure Bureaucracy  
GA: Under This System Leaders Would Be Appointed By A Committee Whose Members Would Themselves Be Appointed By Appropriate Committees  
GA: A System Whose Authority Comes From The System Itself If You Will  
EB: well we can discuss government systems later  
EB: but we’re not going to that universe!  
CG: WAIT, WHAT?  
EB: in fact we already destroyed the door to it!  
CG: WHY?!  
CG: JOHN, OF ALL THE FUCKED-UP THINGS YOU HUMANS HAVE DONE WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS ONE?  
CG: IT LITERALLY MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE!  
GG: it makes perfect sense!  
GG: it will give the universe a chance to grow on its own  
TT: It’s what happened in our case, and you must admit that worked out to within acceptable parameters.  
TT: Besides which, we are not quite certain that all of you have given up on your ambitions of becoming tyrants of a new world.  
TT: Since you outnumber us, it would be difficult for us to stop you.  
CG: THAT’S FUCKED UP!  
TT: Tell me I’m wrong.  
CG: . . .  
CA: so wwhat then  
CA: wwe spend the rest of our livves here?  
TT: Of course not.  
TT: As it happens, there is a large asteroid still scheduled to enter a portal and crash back to Earth.  
TT: Our guardians are already upon it and we will be joining them shortly.  
CG: SO WE’RE GOING BACK TO YOUR PLANET?  
CG: THE ONE WITH THE INSANELY SMALL SUN AND FUCKING SWINGS AND ALL THE WEIRD SHIT?  
EB: yup!  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: YEAH, OKAY, I CAN LIVE WITH THAT.  
TA: oh plea2e KK!  
TA: you were all about that place.  
TA: you 2hould have 2een hiim cry about how he would never get there.  
EB: snicker.  
CG: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!  
CG: JUST. . . SHUT THE HELL UP, SOLLUX.  
CG: LET ME ENJOY THIS.  
GG: aww! :)  
GA: Oh  
AG: What is it?  
GA: The Card With The Matriorb Has Unlocked Itself  
GA: I Believe We Have Found Our Destination  
CC: )(OORAY!  
CC: )(OP---E! 38D  
CC: Look, ----Eridan, it’s )(ope!  
CC: You like )(ope, right?  
CA: hope has not exactly been a scarce resource lately  
CA: in case you havvent noticed  
CA: . . .  
CA: but yeah  
CA: i am feelin pretty fuckin hopeful right noww  
AT: i THINK THAT MAYBE WE ALL ARE,  
AT: bECAUSE RIGHT NOW I AM FEELING SO CONFIDENT ITS LIKE I CAN DO ANYTHING,  
AT: iT IS LIKE I DONT EVEN NEED RUFIO OR ANYTHING TO MAKE ME THIS CONFIDENT,  
CG: ORDINARILY I WOULD TELL YOU BOTH WHERE TO SHOVE YOUR CONFIDENCE AND YOUR HOPE.  
CG: BUT JUST FOR TODAY YOU GET A PASS.  
CG: TALK ABOUT WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT.  
CG: WE’VE GOT A NEW HOME.  
GA: And I Suppose We Can Repopulate It  
GA: You Know  
GA: In Due Time  
AC: :33 < *and i sneaked in some ectobiology equipment  
AC: :33 < just in case some of us want to do repopulating outside of the species!*  
CG: WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME?  
GC: NOT 4LL TH3 WORLD, K4RKL3S!  
GC: 1N F4CT, MOST OF TH3 P3OPL3 AL1V3 L1K3 YOU!  
GC: SOM3 MOR3 TH4N OTH3RS. >:D  
TT: Oh brave new world that has such people in it.  
TT: :)  
GG: hee hee hee!  
AT: wOW,  
GA: My Only Concern Is That Some Members Of Our Party May Try To Start Repopulating Before The Proper Time  
CT: D --> Indeed  
CT: D --> Such 100d behavior w001d be una%eptable  
AG: He’s just saying that 8ecause he hasn’t realized his girlfriend is capa8le of  
AG: *ahem*  
AG: repopulating again. ::::)  
CT: D --> I will not have such implications made about me  
CT: D --> Or such base motives ascribed to my person  
AA: and are y0u sure the th0ught never cr0ssed y0ur mind?  
AA: c0mpletely sure?  
CT: D --> I. . .  
CT: D --> That is, of course not!  
CT: D --> Now e%cuse me while I go find a towel  
AA: ill help y0u l00k!  
CT: D --> That is. . . wholly unnecessary  
GA: I Think I May Need To Start A Committee For This  
GA: Or Against It As The Case May Be  
CA: not that this isnt hilarious  
CA: but havve you thought about howw wwe are gettin to the asteroid  
GG: grandpa’s going to pick us up!  
CA: oh okay  
CA: but howw  
GG: look up, silly! :p  
CA: oh wwoww  
TA: that ii2 a biig fuckiing boat.  
TT: It will come in handy where we are going.  
CG: WHICH IS WHERE SPECIFICALLY?  
TT: I believe Acapulco is the traditional destination for those who faked their deaths using time travel.  
TG: oh hell yes!  
AT: tIME TO GO, i THINK,  
AT: fOR ALL OF US,  
AT: wE’LL GO TOGETHER,  
EB: charge!!!  
**  
They charged.

And it was anything but a disaster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone enjoyed the fic! It has a trope page now.
> 
> [Enjoy!](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Fanfic/WereAllDoomed)


End file.
